I’ve done a few of these over the years. Here’s another.

Ask Animal

Here are some samples of advice (note I don’t specify good advice) I’ve given readers over the years. All names have been changed to protect the… uh…  correspondents.

Bad Idea?

Dear Animal –

My daughter is getting married next month, and I’m a little concerned about her wedding.  You see, when she was a little girl, she really liked her Uncle Phil, who is my older brother.  Not in any funny way, mind you; Phil just likes kids, has none of his own, and was always “the fun uncle.”  The problem is these days Phil is “the drunk uncle.”  Phil never fails to get embarrassingly drunk at every family function, and always makes a spectacle of himself.  Nevertheless, my daughter really, really wants Uncle Phil at the wedding. 

I’m afraid Phil will show up plastered, make a scene, and ruin my daughter’s big day.  She won’t consider not inviting him.  What should I do?

Barbara Sue Hornswoggle, Middlefield, ND

Dear Babs –

First of all, congratulations to your daughter and her fiancée.  Best wishes for a long and happy marriage.

Now, as for Uncle Phil:  This is a sticky situation indeed.  You should bear in mind that this is your daughter’s big day, not yours, so please don’t be the overbearing Mom.  She should make all the decisions as to who attends her wedding.  She is (presumably) a grown woman and has no doubt seen her Uncle Phil in what is apparently his usual state of inebriation and is aware of the likelihood of his making a scene.  Granted drunk people can sometimes act in ways that are embarrassing to the people around them.

 Mind you, this doesn’t mean there’s nothing you can do about this.

I’m guessing your future son-in-law will be having a bachelor party.  Find a time to quietly talk to his best man about this, as the best man is usually the one organizing the event.  Indicate that he should schedule the party for the night before the wedding, and invite Uncle Phil.  Advise him as to Phil’s favorite booze, and make sure they have plenty of it in stock.  Pay for it if you need to.  They should let him get good and drunk, in fact if he passes out, all the better.

Now – and this is the tricky bit – provide them with the following:

• A prepaid cheap motel room.
• A ball gag.
• Several rolls of duck tape.

I’m sure the boys will figure out the rest.  Just make certain someone drops around to the cheap motel after the wedding to cut Uncle Phil loose.

Bad Dog!

Dear Animal –

Like a lot of families, we have a dog.  His name is Rex.  We got Rex as a rescue at the local animal shelter, and he’s nothing special, just a big mutt, but he’s lovable and we love him.

He does have one bad habit, though.  He insists on drinking out of the toilet.  We’ve tried keeping the lids closed, but we also have two teenaged boys, whose personal behavior isn’t much more sophisticated than Rex’s.  They constantly forget to close the toilet lids and, next thing you know, there’s Rex, lapping away at the toilet water.

Do you have any suggestions as to how to stop him doing this? 

Stanley G. Hopsberry, Toobin, ME

Dear Stan –

When I was a kid, we lived in a house that had a septic tank, rather than a city sewer setup.  In fact, I live in a house with just such a setup now as well.  As the septic tank sometimes requires pumping and that costs money, it makes sense to minimize the amount of liquid you put down the septic system; therefore, the rule on flushing in such homes is “if it’s yellow, let it mellow; if it’s brown, flush it down.”  Needless to say, dogs in such homes almost never drink out of the toilets.  So, try leaving the toilet unflushed for a while.

If you also have a cat, I have a rather creative solution for dogs that enjoy litter box cookies as well.  Of course, your cat would have to enjoy ghost peppers in its food.  If it doesn’t, you could try force-feeding the critter the ghost peppers.  Trust me, it’s lots of fun entertainment for the whole family.  Have you any shoulder-high leather gauntlets?  You’ll need them.

Bad Skin.

Dear Animal –

My teenage son has really bad acne.  He’s tried every remedy available at the drug store.  We’ve taken him to the doctor, who referred him to a dermatologist, who tried every pill, cream, and potion he knew of, and the boy’s acne just keeps getting worse.

Now, he is to the point where he’s trying quack nostrums he’s finding online.  The latest?  How cheese soup.  He’s eaten tons of the stuff.  He spent all the money from his part-time job buying cheese soup, and now is borrowing money to buy more.  I’m afraid it will make him fat, but it’s sure not helping his acne any.  Can you help?

1. Mortimer Bellows, Reading, CA

Dear Morty –

Your son is going about this all wrong.  No matter how much hot cheese soup he eats, it won’t help his acne any.  The very notion is just silly.  Seriously, your son (and, apparently, you) need to stop believing everything you see on the internet.

Numerous studies done by some people in white lab coats someplace – I’m not sure but I think they are the same people who advised the government on the COVID pandemic – have shown that eating hot cheese soup won’t help with acne.  No, what your boy needs to do is soak his face in the hot cheese soup, morning and evening.  It may not help his acne right away, but at least it will give him (and you) something else to concern himself with in the meantime.

Also, your son’s bad skin condition indicates he may not be eating properly.  Add some broccoli to the cheese soup.  At least that way, there’s a chance he may accidentally ingest a vegetable while treating his acne.

Bad Neighbors!

Dear Animal –

I’m seventy-eight years old, and I just married a young lady aged twenty.  When we married, I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to keep up with her, sexually.  But that hasn’t been a problem at all.  In fact, we go at it night and day.  Just yesterday, we did it when we woke up, then again in the shower, on the breakfast table, and twice on the living room floor before she went to work.  I won’t go into what happened that evening.

Many men would be envious, but there’s a problem.  You see, we live in small apartment.  Our upstairs and downstairs neighbors, not to mention the ones on either side, are constantly complaining about the noise.  We’re pretty enthusiastic, you see.

How can I explain this to my neighbors?  I’m a little worried that if I fail to keep satisfying her, she’ll leave me for a younger man.  At the same time, I’m worried that they’ll get the superintendent involved, and I don’t want to lose my apartment.  What shall I do?

Hamilton A. Vigoda, Brooklyn, NY

Dear Ham –

I’m afraid I can’t properly advise you without some more information, so I’ll have to ask some questions:

What the hell are you eating?  Oysters?  Asparagus?  Bananas?  Garlic?

Are you taking any over-the-counter supplements, like Vitamin E?

How’s your blood pressure?  Do you exercise regularly (other than the sex, I mean)?

Please answer as quickly as possible.  Mrs. Animal and I eagerly await your reply.

Ask Animal

Various advice columnists have been offering advice and counsel to many and varied ladies and gentlemen and persons of irregular birth for some time now, so I thought I’d join the fun.  However, just to set myself apart, instead of lifting advice requests from the papers, I’ll present some that I’ve dealt with personally over the years.

All names have been changed to protect the… uh…  correspondents.

Unfortunate Plans

Dear Animal –

My son is nineteen.  His girlfriend is eighteen.  They are both high school graduates.  While we live in New Jersey, the kids have settled on the desire to move to California.  I can’t blame them for this, as I lived in California as a young man and really enjoyed my time there.  I do love New Jersey, as it is a settled, civilized place, but I can see the appeal of California as well.

What concerns me is that the two kids have reduced their personal belongings to what will fit in a knapsack each, and they plan to hitchhike cross-country to California. 

Is this a good idea?  What might go wrong with two teenagers hitchhiking from New Jersey to California?  Should I try to talk them out of it?

Woolchester Cowperthingle G., Crosspatch, NJ

Dear Woolly –

You should offer no resistance or criticism to your son’s and his girlfriend’s plans.  This may come as something of a surprise to you, but your son and his girl are both idiots.  Sometimes a young person just has to have the stupid beat out of them, and the fact that your son and his girlfriend think that California as it currently stands is a desirable place to move to indicates that they are in possession of more stupid than the usual run of American teenagers.  In fact, I’m doubtful as to whether one cross-country trip will do the trick; you might suggest that if things in California don’t work out, they should hitchhike back home.

Still, if you are concerned for their safety, consider giving them the following pieces of wisdom for the road:

• Roadside ditches are not good places to sleep during thunderstorms.
• Never accept a ride from anyone named “Hatchet,” “Alley-Oop” or “STEVE SMITH.”
• You’re more likely to get rides if you look pathetic. Fortunately, after a day or two on the road this will be pretty easy for them.

I’d advise you to hold out hope that the kids will learn something from this experience, preferably before they hit the city limits, but as a wise man (me) once said, beauty is skin deep, but stupid goes clear to the bone.

Mule Deer?

Dear Animal –

My husband is fond of traveling around the country on hunting and fishing trips.  He normally tells me all about his adventures when he returns, but on his last trip when he went hunting in Wyoming, he was very quiet when he returned home.  I asked him how he did, and he would only say “I shot a mule, dear.”

Now I can understand why accidentally shooting a mule would be embarrassing, but should I be worried that he’ll have to compensate the owner of the mule?  If so, should I encourage him to talk to me about this?  How much is a mule worth?  Or am I misunderstanding him?

• Roseanna Sparkwaite P., Leaf Springs, Indiana

Dear Roseanna –

You didn’t misunderstand your husband.  He shot a mule.  In fact, this happens so often that many outdoorsmen and outdoor writers have invented a mythological beast called a “mule deer” to provide plausible deniability in the event someone accidentally spills out that they shot a mule.  This conspiracy has gone so far that computer-generated images of the mythical “mule deer” often grace the covers of outdoor magazines.  Don’t let your husband use this excuse; there’s no such thing as a mule deer.

The whole matter is rather perplexing, as a mule looks nothing like any game animal you’d normally encounter in the American West.

That being said:  It’s understanding that your husband would be a little embarrassed about the whole matter, but you should gently encourage him to contact the owner of the animal and offer compensation.

Stealth Collecting

Dear Animal –

My wife is becoming annoyed with my passion for collecting old guns.  I generally buy them at shows, estate sales and so on, and have amassed a collection of about sixty guns, which I keep in two safes in my basement workshop.  After my last purchase, she advised me that “if I knew what was good for me, I wouldn’t buy any more guns for at least a year.”

Here’s my problem.  My buddy is selling a Hiram McDonald-Berger shotgun, a very rare 12-gauge side-by-side made only in Sniffpiddle County, Indiana, for two years, from 1892 to 1894.  Obviously, this is a very desirable piece and I really need it in my collection.  How can I convince my wife to allow this purchase?

• Abner Postlewaite R., Ironspot, OH

Dear Abner –

Your wife probably won’t convince easily.  She has apparently hit the end of her tolerance with your collecting, so it’s best just to leave it alone for now; you should instead reflect on the famous old truism, “happy wife, happy life.”

That doesn’t mean you have to forgo the old shotgun, though.  Here’s what you do:

Go to your local home-improvement store and buy these things:

• Light bulb.
• Lamp shade.
• Cheap indoor extension cord.
• If you don’t already have some, duct tape.

Now a bit of subterfuge is in order.  Go to your buddy’s house and buy the shotgun, but before going home, insert a light bulb into one of the gun’s muzzles.  Put the lampshade over the bulb.  Cut off the socket end of the extension cord and tape the cut-off end to the barrel of the gun under the lampshade.

When you take the gun home, show it to your wife.  Tell her “Honey, I found this old lamp at a garage sale.  I’m going to take it down to my workshop and see if I can get it working.”  Put the gun in the safe and never mention it again.  If she asks about the lamp, tell her you couldn’t get it working so you threw it out.

A little white lie never hurt anyone, after all.  Good luck.

Adventures in Housework

Dear Animal –

I’m a great music lover.  I love music of all kinds, but especially classical music.  I like listening to music while I do housework, generally majestic stuff like the 1812 Overture.

Since I love music so much, but have a hard time hearing it while the dishwasher is running or I am vacuuming, my husband bought me some great noise-cancelling headphones to use while doing housework.  He’s been doing the same thing, and as a result we can each listen to our favorite music while getting chores done around the house.

But here’s the problem:  Ever since I got these great noise-cancelling headphones, our vacuum cleaner isn’t working properly.  Yesterday I ran it around the living room five times and could still see that the carpet wasn’t clean.  Is there any way my new noise-cancelling headphones could interfere with the vacuum cleaner?

• Katie L., Sudbury, ON

Dear Katie –

Make sure the vacuum is turned on.