Category Archives: Humor

Animal’s Daily Toxic Skwerlz News

Were Squirrel

In Japan, in what can only be an event of great foreboding, squirrels have learned how to build up their resistance to toxic mushrooms.  Excerpt:

Kenji Suetsugu, an associate professor at in the Department of Biology at Kobe University, worked with photographer Koichi Gomi on the findings.

“I was genuinely surprised. I was afraid the squirrel might get an upset stomach,” Suetsugu told Newsweek. “But, the same individual squirrel returned a few days later to continue feeding on a panther cap mushroom, leading us to conclude that it is highly probable that these squirrels can safely consume poisonous mushrooms.”

The authors said their observations suggest there is a symbiotic relationship between the squirrels and toxic mushrooms. Not only do the squirrels likely benefit from eating the mushrooms, but they could be helping distribute mushroom spores too.

Suetsugu said the poison found in the mushrooms could still deter other animals who might not have what appears to be a mutually beneficial relationship.

It is thought that mushrooms such as the amanita are poisonous to dissuade animals from eating them.

At the present time, the symbiotic relationship between the squirrels and mushrooms is hypothetical, however. The research poses numerous questions warranting further study, the authors said.

How can squirrels survive eating toxins “deserves future study. As it stands, we cannot answer the question,” Suetsugu said.

Well, I’m pretty sure I can answer the question.

Skwerlz (the proper spelling for the global-domination cabal), you see, are bent on world domination.  Tree skwerlz have been around almost unchanged for twenty million years or so.  They are accustomed to being one of the most successful mammals on the planet, so they can only look at us with some frustration.  Now, they’re acting on that frustration.

Just look at the evidence:  They are attacking people, and at least one skwerl has joined forces with a human criminal to spread mayhem.   Now, it’s clear that they are building up immunity to toxic mushrooms, so they can spread them around the environment, increasing the odds of humans accidentally ingesting one.  I mean, it says right there, that the skwerlz are helping spread the mushroom spores.

Keep a clear eye, True Believers.  They may hit your neighborhood next.  It’s nuts.

 

Animal’s Daily Otteriffic News

Before we dive in to today’s ottery story, check out the first installment of a new fiction series over at Glibertarians! 

Now then:  You can’t beat this headline: Man Minding His Business Gets Mangled by a Gang of Angry Otters.  Excerpt:

Even so, as they say at zoos, anything with a mouth can bite.

Just ask Graham (George Spencer) — he found out the hard way.

Or, the herd way.

The 60-something got sacked by a roving gang of semiaquatic psychos.

From the Post:

[Graham]…was…approaching the visitors center when he spotted around 20 otters crossing a dimly-lit path in front of him. He claimed it was the first time he had seen the mustelids in the area despite taking his morning walks there for five months.

A jogger ran through the group, setting them off.

The otters went “crazy like dogs” and tried to rip into the runner.

When that individual escaped, the animals turned toward you-know-who.

No word on whether they had marshmallows, but the critters crunched into Graham like a cracker.

They attacked and attacked s’more.

The ornery otters reportedly hit him in the ankles, pushed him down and leaped on top of Spencer, then proceeded to bite the prone man around his legs, shoes and buttocks, with one nipping his finger, according to the media reports.

In ten seconds, he was bitten 26 times.

Salvation came after the victim’s friend, who was about “15 paces” away, ran up to him screaming and yelling in an attempt to scare the hairy hooligans away.

Graham hightailed it to the visitor’s center with the vicious weasel-like wackos in pursuit.

This is some funny stuff from a distance, and the article’s punning makes it more so.  But there’s a serious message behind the wacky verbiage:  Wild animals are, you know, wild.  Every year visitors to places like Yellowstone and, yes, here in the Great Land, learn this lesson to their sorrow.

Unfortunately we live in an era where most folks have their lessons on wildlife from Disney movies.  Most of the so-called “environmentalists” you see opining online and in the letters to the editors sections of the few remaining print papers are urban dwellers with no idea of what it’s really like to live out in the actual environment – other than maybe a one-week vacation spent in some expensive chalet with a view.

Jokes aside, Mr. Spencer here didn’t do anything wrong, and got bitten up anyway.  He was fortunate that these were otters and not a bear, but his encounter, while amusing on the surface, lends a lesson that should not be taken lightly:  Treat wildlife with respect and caution.

Animal’s Hump Day News

Happy Hump Day!

Welcome to our 350th Hump Day News!

I started this Wednesday tradition with nothing more than the mid-week application of suitably-themed and totally gratuitous Rule Five totty, then expanded it to a links post, very shortly thereafter adding the “This Week’s Idiots” section and the cultural edification at the end, until, well, here we are.  350 posts in – that’s almost seven years of Hump Day News. I think that Wednesday posts have now achieved their final form.  Hope you all like it.

And so…

On To the Links!

Meanwhile, in Russia…

Ford is making an all-electric F-150.  Fine, but it won’t work out too well out here.

Tucker nails it.

Lie down with dogs, wake up with fleas.

If you need a dose of horrifying, now we have sex-crazed zombie cicadas with disintegrating asses.

Tardigrades can survive an 1,825 mph impacts.  These are pretty amazing little critters.

Only government can coerce.

More than a third of California’s restaurants are never coming back.

The ‘Wuhan Lab Leak’ Theory Looks More Credible Than Ever.

FL’s DeSantis: Critical Race Theory Teaches Kids to Hate Their Country.  No shit, Sherlock.

Robert Gates Sees “Very Little Prospect” Of Peace Between Israel And Palestinians.  No shit, Sherlock, Part Deux.

Making nuclear power even safer.

Who didn’t see this coming?  Well, anyone with enough brains to pound sand saw it coming, which I think is the author’s point.

Empathy, compassion and tolerance!

Dokumenty, pozhaluysta!

Papiere, bitte!

“You’re not the right minority.”

This Week’s Idiots:

Chicago Mayor Beetlejuice is a racist cunte, and an idiot.  Seriously, put this shoe on the other foot – say, the white mayor of a major city granting one-on-one interviews only to white journalists.  The media would (rightly) be outraged.  That’s the difference between politics and principles.  Mayor Beetlejuice and the complicit Chicago media has the former, not the latter.

Vox‘s Emily Stewart is an idiot.

USAToday‘s Jill Lawrence is an idiot.

The Nation‘s Elie Mystal is an idiot.

Robert Reich is still an idiot.

The Guardian‘s Jonathan Freedland is an idiot.

George Will is an idiot.

CNN’s John Harwood is an idiot.

This Week’s Cultural Edification:

We’ll always have Lou Reed, right?  Imagine his 1972 tune Walk on the Wild Side being released today.  Here are the first two verses:

Holly came from Miami, F.L.A.
Hitch-hiked her way across the U.S.A.
Plucked her eyebrows on the way
Shaved her legs and then he was a she
She says, “Hey, babe,
Take a walk on the wild side.”
Said, “Hey, honey,
Take a walk on the wild side.”

Candy came from out on the Island
In the back room she was everybody’s darling
But she never lost her head
Even when she was giving head
She says, “Hey, babe,
Take a walk on the wild side.”
Said, “Hey, babe,
Take a walk on the wild side.”
And the colored girls go
“Doo do doo do doo do do doo…”

It would almost be worth it to hear the RHEEEEEE from the SJW crowd, wouldn’t it?  Here’s the entire song; enjoy.

Animal’s Hump Day News

Happy Hump Day!

This second week of May is finally seeing off most of the winter’s accumulation of snow here in the Great Land.  Robins have returned, the birches and alders are greening up, and every afternoon sees more and more of our yard exposed.  In a few more weeks, wildflowers will be blooming.

Turdus migratorius

Of course, that means spring clean-up.  It’s a little more work this year than will probably be the case most years, as the previous owners left us some stuff that, due to the midwinter sale, they were unable to clean up, although due to that they have kindly offered to help.  But suffice it to say the burn barrel will be seeing some extensive service the next couple of weekends.

The good news is that we’ll have ample firewood for the coming winter, as the unusually heavy snow last winter broke off a couple of trees on the back of the property, so with those, some alders taken down by the power company, and what was left from last winter, we’ll be well-stocked.

And so…

On To the Links!

OK, this is somewhat alarming.

Why Do People in Relationships Cheat?  Well, extra nookie would be my guess, although granted it’s only a guess.  I don’t play those games myself, and not just because Mrs. Animal is a really good shot.

Joe Biden, tax-dodger.  Fair share, my middle-aged white ass.

The ‘rona has also caused the great 2020 Baby Bust.  Funny, that, you’d think that when people were staying home, with little to do…

Newsweek finds an acorn.  And PJMedia’s Bryan Preston weighs inWokism rejects character and life’s complexities and subtleties. It places humans in boxes and categories based entirely on their race, not the content of their character or the actions they take. It rejects even the possibility of redemption. Wokism doesn’t allow for an individual’s character to matter at all. It’s segregationist, not unifying.  Ten.  Ring.

Florida jumps on the election integrity bandwagon.  Florida Democrats run for their fainting couches.  DeSantis 2024?  I think that may be in the works. Former Governors, historically, have been the most effective Presidents.

Eight facts about the AR-15.

Answers you don’t want to questions you never asked.

Paging Mr. McAfee, Mr. John McAfee.

Scotland to vote for independence.  Well, that could be interesting.  If the English decide to use force to hold Scotland in line, they should pick someplace suitable to fight it out – say, Culloden Moor.  I think the Scots would like some payback for that one.

Jeff Epstein didn’t kill himself, round 12,394.

This is what happens when the government sends the message that rental contracts don’t mean anything.

Crocodile Dundee wants to go home.  Can’t blame him, I’d want to get out of that shithole, too.

New Neandertal find near Rome.  Cool.

The greatest human invention was not fire, or the wheel – it was language, and it’s been around a long time.

We’re going to need a bigger woodchipper.

Yeah, we’re probably fucked.

This is probably a good idea, which means it won’t happen.

Roger Daltrey, still rocking.

Piers Morgan finds another acorn.  Hey, when he’s right, he’s right.

The Maricopa County election audit has the Dems freaking out.  Here’s why.

Nearly half of U.S. counties are now Second Amendment sanctuaries.  Hell, all of Alaska is.

Do you live east of the Mississippi?  Fill your gas tank.  1977 called – they want their gas crisis back!

Harris Faulkner:  Does the border feel closed?  The border:  Nope!

Too true to be funny:

Maybe they could skip the pretense and just publish an approved government newspaper.  They could call it, I don’t know, maybe, Truth?

This Week’s Idiots:

Salon‘s Chauncey DeVega is an idiot.

The Grio‘s Preston Mitchum is an idiot.

These idiots have some hard, hard lessons coming.

Margaret and her husband will be vaccinated and wearing masks and socially distanced from other guests, but they cannot take a first dance together.  But making the two-backed beast later that night is perfectly safe.  Got it.

The New York Times’ Charles Blow is an idiot.

Sawed-off asshole Robert Reich is still an idiot.

Here’s another damn piece of idiocy we’re supposed to care about.

CNN’s Chris King is an idiot.

Bill De Blasio is an idiot.

This Week’s Cultural Edification:

Something a little different this week.

Folks who have read these virtual pages for any time at all know that Mrs. Animal and yr. obdt. are both fond of the Land of the Rising Sun, of the land, the people, the culture, the food, the drink, and everything else.  Recently one of our kids, also a Japanophile, sent us this; I’m not entirely what it’s a tutorial of, other than being Japanese, adorable, and good at producing synced front and back videos.  This is NiziU, with Make You Happy.  Enjoy.

China Virus.

China Virus.

China virus.
China virus.
China virus.
China virus.
China virus.
China virus.  China virus.  China virus.  China virus.  China virus.  China virus.  China virus.  China virus.  China virus.  China virus.  China virus.  China virus.  China virus.  China virus.  China virus.  China virus.
China virus.
China virus.
China virus.  China virus.  China virus.

China virus.

China virus?

China virus.

(And by “China virus,” I mean, “Fuck off, slaver!”)

Animal’s Daily Young Commies News

National treasure PJ O’Rourke nails it again.  Excerpt:

What’s the matter with kids today? Nothing new. A large portion of the brats, the squirts, the fuzz-faced, the moon calves, the sap-green, and the wet behind the ears have always been “Punks for Progressives.”

As soon as children discover that the world isn’t nice, they want to make it nicer. And wouldn’t a world where everybody shares everything be nice? Aw … kids are so tender-hearted.

But kids are broke — so they want to make the world nicer with your money. And kids don’t have much control over things — so they want to make the world nicer through your effort. And kids are very busy being young — so it’s your time that has to be spent making the world nicer.

For them. The greedy little bastards. Kids were thinking these exact same sweet-young-thing thoughts back in the 1960s, during my salad days (tossed green sensimilla buds). Young people probably have been thinking these same thoughts since the concept of being a “young person” was invented.

That would have been in the 19th century — during America’s first “Progressive Era” — when mechanization liberated kids from onerous farm chores and child labor laws let them escape from child labor.

Example #3,495,393 of the “soft people make hard times” phase of societal development.  As I’ve stated before in these virtual pages, I think we are transitioning to this phase from the “good times make soft people” phase; events of the last summer make me think we’re on the downhill slope of that transition.

O’Rourke’s real gem, though, is this:

They’ve got it coming. Young people are not only penniless and powerless, they’re also ignorant as hell. They think of wealth as something that’s limited, like the number of Hostess Ding Dongs on the 7-Eleven shelf. They think rich people got to the 7-Eleven first and gobbled all the Ding Dongs, leaving poor people to lick the plastic wrappers.

Young people don’t know that more Ding Dongs can be produced. They don’t know how or why more Ding Dong production is possible. And they certainly don’t know how to get the cream filling inside.

(Leaving aside the wild indignation of young people about the very existence of synthetic industrial and undoubtedly poisonous food such as Ding Dongs. They eat them anyway. Watch them shop at the 7-Eleven when they think nobody’s looking. But I digress.)

Young people believe that the way to obtain more wealth is to take it away from rich people.

You can’t do it. Well, you can do it. But you can only do it once.

You can take the Ding Dongs from the Hostess factory for free, but once you’ve eaten them you can’t go back to the Hostess factory and take more Ding Dongs for free. The Hostess factory is out of business.

It would be difficult to explain economics (and the stupidity of socialism) any more clearly than this.

The rise of socialist “thought” (I use scare quotes here as I doubt any of the young people O’Rourke described are doing much, if any, actual thinking) speaks to the softness of our society, the failure of our education system, and the rather baffling shift away from understanding the value of liberty.

So how do we get these kids to start,  you know, thinking?

Animal’s Daily Backfiring News

Denver’s own Mike Rosen explains how far-left protestors harm their own causes.  Excerpt:

But activists who engage in unnecessary, theatrical, civil disobedience are oblivious to their public perception as unhinged extremists. They’re driven by a delusional, self-indulgent conviction that only they are right and any who oppose their agenda are unworthy, irrelevant and evil. They believe they’re doing, if not God’s work, at least Gaia’s ─ the Goddess of Mother Earth. For them, protesting is gratifying and fun. They feel like it empowers them. Getting arrested is a badge of honor and pride, which earns them another civil disobedience battle-ribbon to pin on their chest.

Diana Bray could be their poster girl. A champion of civil disobedience and a dogmatic “climate activist” who brags about her participation in an anti-Keystone Pipeline protest in Washington, where people locked themselves to the White House fence. She’s also a lesser figure in the crowd of Democrats seeking the party’s nomination to unseat Sen. Corey Gardner. Thirty-eight of the Capitol protestors were arrested and charged with trespassing, disrupting a lawful assembly and obstruction of police officers. True to form, the shamelessly liberal Denver Post showcased Bray, running her guest commentary under the headline: “Drop charges against Polis protestors who fought peacefully for change.” And they ran it twice, Jan. 16 and 19!

“Fighting peacefully” is an oxymoron. Resisting arrest isn’t a peaceful act. Yes, lawful demonstrations are a legitimate activity, protected by the Constitution. But civil disobedience isn’t protected when it’s uncivil and unlawful, like trespassing, infringing on the rights of others and resisting arrest. These protestors broke the law and ought to pay the consequences, like a steep fine or jail time, which they should eagerly do as martyrs for their cause, lending even more pride to their protest battle-ribbon. (Predictably, all they’ll get is a slap on the wrist.)

Here’s the thing; when your opponent is in the process of doing something stupid, let them.  Read the entire article, by all means; Mike is a treasure, and all of his columns are worth the read.

The types of protestors the esteemed Mr. Rosen describes – and let’s be honest, there are stupid, strident protestors across the spectrum, although of late the Left seems to have the lion’s share – do their own professed causes inestimable harm just by doing their thing.

I once toyed with the idea of starting a business offering protestors for hire.  I jokingly described to Mrs. Animal an imagined conversation with a media type doing a story on my service:

Interviewer:  “So, you offer protestors for hire.  For what causes?”

Me:  “Any causes.  I don’t care what the cause is.  As long as no laws are being broken or no incitement to violence, we’re good to go.”

I:  “Really?  You’ll provide protestors for anything?”

M:  “Sure.  Remember that big protest at the Capitol last Sunday?  People screaming at each other from across Civic Center Park?  Those were my people.”

I:  “Which people?”

M:  “All of them.  Both sides.”

I:  “Do you have any principles at all?”

M:  “In my business?  I have one – ‘did their check clear?’  Other than that, hell no.”

I’d probably never do it; there are too many causes I just couldn’t stomach.  But it would offer some great entertainment.

Animal’s Daily Scammer Payback News

First up:  Make sure to check out the latest of  the Allamakee County Chronicles over at Glibertarians!

Moving right along:  Denver’s former 800-pound gorilla of local talk radio, Mike Rosen, describes a detection and turn-about of a would-be scammer.  Excerpt:

To its credit, Craigslist posts a warning to its sellers to be wary of distant buyers responding to their ads who might pay with a counterfeit check that would initially clear the bank but will later be clawed back from the seller who deposited it when the fraud is discovered. Case in point, here’s my recent experience. After redecorating I had to part with an elegant bar and buffet featuring lighted glass shelves and doors to display glassware, china and accessories. So, I offered it on Craigslist at the bargain price of $295. Almost instantly, I got a text message from an enthusiastic buyer who wanted it at full price from the picture I posted. He gave his name as Peter A. Frederick and said he was an out of town construction consultant and needed it shipped to him. I wanted payment in cash and preferred a buyer who would pick it up himself. He persisted and proposed the following arrangement. He’d send me a certified check for $1,950.50. When I get it, I should deposit it in my bank and after the check clears, I should deduct $295 for the buffet plus an extra $50 for my “running around” and send the excess funds of $1,605 to his shipper. After the shipper gets my check, he’ll contact me with shipping instructions.

Doing the math: $1,950.50 – $295.00 – $50.00 – $1,605.00 = $0.50, I discovered there was an extra 50 cents left over for me! I was tempted, but realized it wouldn’t be ethical to cheat him out of that for his inadvertent math mistake. Just kidding. Of course, by now I was sure it was a scam. But I figured I’d play along out of curiosity. He already had my name and address, and a few days later I got his check.

Read the entire story; I enjoyed the post-script:

Now, here’s an ironic postscript. Since Peter/Paul the scammer had my name and text address, he must have added me to his sucker list as I also got this text during the process: “Hi Michael Rosen, I’m Aaron Scott from the crime investigative department. There is an urgent arrest warrant against you right now. We received an information about a recent fraudulent paycheck which you were investigated to be part of. You are being monitored and it’s very important that I do hear from you as soon as possible before we proceed further with our legal actions.”

My response: “There’s no such thing as the *$@&#! crime investigation department. You’re the one who should be investigated.”

My cell phone service is pretty good about identifying would-be scam callers.  Several times a week my phone will blip once and the screen will display “Scam Likely” or some such, and I’ll block the number.  I’ve gotten some that go through to voice mail, including a recent one that gave me the dire news that an IRS arrest warrant had been issued for me and that I should call a certain number to “clear things up.”  Blocked.  Some of the scammers have resorted to text messages, as they presumably don’t go through the same process – and, again, when I get them, blocked.

The thing that concerns me about these horse’s asses is the fact that some people must fall for this crap, or they wouldn’t keep doing it.  I’m of the belief that there comes a time where fools and their money deserve to be parted (Gwyneth Paltrow and her GOOP idiocy come to mind) but it’s really just too bad that these assholes still find marks, frequently among the very old and very young.

Fortunately my own family shows more savvy.  A couple of years before he passed, the Old Man got a phone call:

Caller:  “Grandpa?  This is your granddaughter.  I’m in trouble, I need help.”

Old Man:  “What’s your name?”

Caller:  “Don’t you recognize my voice, Grandpa?”

Old Man:  “No.  What’s your name?”

Caller:  “Uhm…”

At that point the Old Man hung up.

More folks should show as much sense as my Dad did.

 

Rule Five Schadenfreudalicious Friday

From Merriam-Webster:

Schadenfreude noun, often capitalized
scha·​den·​freu·​de | \ ˈshä-dᵊn-ˌfrȯi-də
\
Definition of schadenfreude

: enjoyment obtained from the troubles of others

And yes, True Believers, that’s what I’m feeling lately, due to the sudden troubles of our own favorite Congressional lackwit, Alexandria Occasional Cortex.  Excerpt:

  • Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and a top aide appear to control an outside PAC credited with being the central force behind her June 2018 primary victory.
  • One former Federal Election Commission member thinks there would be a “serious investigation” if a complaint were filed, noting that the probe could potentially result in civil penalties or even jail time for Ocasio-Cortez and her chief of staff.
  • A second former commissioner said there were possibly “multiple violations of federal campaign finance law.”
  • Justice Democrats ran campaigns for Ocasio-Cortez and 11 other Democrats, but the New York Democrat was the only one to win her general election.

Democratic Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and her chief of staff Saikat Chakrabarti obtained majority control of Justice Democrats PAC in December 2017, according to archived copies of the group’s website, and the two appear to retain their control of the group, according to corporate filings obtained by The Daily Caller News Foundation. If the Federal Election Commission (FEC) finds that the New York Democrat’s campaign operated in affiliation with the PAC, which had raised more than $1.8 million before her June 2018 primary, it would open them up to “massive reporting violations, probably at least some illegal contribution violations exceeding the lawful limits,” former FEC commissioner Brad Smith said.

Ocasio-Cortez never disclosed to the FEC that she and Chakrabarti, who served as her campaign chair, controlled the PAC while it was simultaneously supporting her primary campaign, and former FEC commissioners say the arrangement could lead to multiple campaign finance violations. The group backed 12 Democrats during the 2018 midterms, but Ocasio-Cortez was the only one of those to win her general election.

“If the facts as alleged are true, and a candidate had control over a PAC that was working to get that candidate elected, then that candidate is potentially in very big trouble and may have engaged in multiple violations of federal campaign finance law, including receiving excessive contributions,” former Republican FEC commissioner Hans von Spakovsky told The Daily Caller News Foundation.

Now, chuckle-inducing as that would be, I suspect Occasional Cortex won’t see any serious penalties for this.  For one thing, it’s pretty obvious the girl isn’t terribly swift, and the horrendous complexity of campaign-finance laws is almost certainly way over her head.  I suspect her campaign manager will end up taking the fall.

But this will spell the end of her political career.  If there is any fire at all behind all this smoke, then she has gone from being a damned nuisance to her fellow Democrats to an outright liability.

Will she be primaried?  That would be ironic, but it may not be necessary.  New York is due for redistricting; the Democrats running that machine could easily redistrict her back into another bartending gig, an occupation for which she is much better suited than her current position.

Her campaign manager, though.  This apparently isn’t his first rodeo, and he really ought to have known better.  One might concede that a 29-year old bartender might be ignorant of many of the complexities of running for and holding office, as evidence of which I might offer her performance to date.

Still.  Ignorance of the law, as they say, is no excuse.  It will be roundly interesting to see how this plays out.

Still – does anyone care to hazard a guess as to whether this gets Congress to look at our overly complicated campaign-finance system?  I’ll lay odds they don’t.  Losing only one of their own, and an annoying one at that, isn’t enough to start them down that road.