Category Archives: Humor

Rule Five Cow Cuddling Friday

Oh, for the luvva Pete, how could people get any more ridiculous? Now there is, apparently, such a thing as “cow cuddling,” and the aficionados of that nonsense are worried that the latest in avian influenzas might spoil a good thing for everybody that… likes to cuddle cows.

I can’t believe I’m seeing this.

Paying farmers to snuggle up with half-ton heifers is all the rage in the United States thanks to social media. For visitors, cuddling dairy or beef cattle can be therapeutic, or simply an adventure for city dwellers looking for good old country fun.

But this practice of opening the barn door to the public is facing a new risk, as the U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) confirmed bird flu in dairy herds in nine states.

Scientists have said the outbreak is likely more widespread across the nation’s more than 26,000 licensed dairy farms based on findings of H5N1 particles in about 20% of milk samples. One Texas dairy worker tested positive for the virus, and the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) have monitored more than 100 people who have been exposed.

Government officials say the risk of human infection is low. But state and federal government officials are urging cattle and dairy farmers to limit outside visitors as much as possible.

I have a rather vivid memory – and some flat spots on the bones in my right foot to prove it – of rather stupidly going into a stall with a steer to check its ear tag, which I couldn’t see from the aisle.  The steer chose that moment to have a nice comfortable lean against the boards, with me in the middle. I had a shingle nail in my pocket, so as I could feel my guts being squeezed into goo, I got the nail in my right fist and proceeded to pummel the steer.

He ignored me.  I probably wasn’t bothering him any more than a mosquito.  But my uncle heard me yelling, came over and grabbed the cow’s tail and moved it – and then chewed me out for being dumb enough to go in a stall with a steer.

These damn things aren’t cuddly.  They are big, powerful, with skin damn near an inch thick, and they are stupid and frequently mean.  Some cattle are really mean; when I was a kid, a neighbor had a blue-ribbon Holstein bull he called “The Antichrist,” and it was a killer; the farmer who owned it didn’t trust it any farther than he could throw it.  “Give him half a chance,” he once told a group of us boys, “and he’ll kill you.  Mean as a snake, that one.”

And these urban (they’ve got to be urban) nitwits think they are cuddly.

It was Linda Pachl, Joey’s mom, who first saw a post about Luz Farms’ cow snuggle sessions on Facebook – and suggested the idea to her son. Joey asked the farmers if they could make up a banner in Emma’s school colors that said, “Prom?”

A week later, as country music crooned over the barn’s battered radio, the banner was slung over the body of Yogi, a calf on the farm. Pachl nudged girlfriend Emma Maiers’ shoulder. “Well?” he asked.

“I love cows!” squealed Maiers, 16. Pachl grinned. Not exactly the answer he was expecting, but he figured she meant yes.

To Linda Pachlm her son Joey, and Joey’s girlfriend Emma, I can only say this:

You’re all idiots.

Animal’s Daily Recreational Use News

Before I get into this uplifting story, check out the latest chapter of Barrett’s Privateers – Unrepentant Sinner over at Glibertarians.

Now then: If you’re using Viagra for “recreational purposes” (why else would you be using it?) you may want to re-think that.

It’s a big problem — and it’s growing even bigger.

Social media users are being bombarded with advertisements for easy access to erectile dysfunction drugs like Viagra and Cialis, along with affordable generics — and men hoping to improve their sexual performance are taking their chances.

That’s a hard no, Cleveland Clinic urologist Raevti Bole, MD warns.

Just because these medications are easier than ever to access doesn’t mean you should fall for the hype.

Recreational use of the drugs can carry significant risks, the pro warns.

Here’s why.

Recreational use, one would presume, is the use of Viagra and Cialis by men who do not suffer from erectile dysfunction (as opposed to electile dysfunction, last observed in November of 2020) and who are, instead, using it as a boost to something that’s already working – sort of a sexual turbocharger.

Viagra, Cialis and their generic equivalents are what are known as phosphodiesterase type 5 (PDE5) inhibitors.

They open up your blood vessels and can be used in a variety of ways, including the treatment of pulmonary hypertension, or urinary problems.

These days, they’re most famous for being so-called magic cures for erectile dysfunction, or ED. Popping a pill leads to increased blood flow, which means better erections that last longer.

I can vouch for this; Mrs. Animal, who has a chronic cardiac condition, takes a very low dose of sildenafil, which is Viagra’s generic name, as a vaso-dllator that allows her heart to work more efficiently.

In general, it’s not a good idea to take any prescription drug when it’s not needed, no matter how much one might want to impress a new gal with one’s prowess in the sheets.  However if someone insists on that boost, I do happen to know that Viagra, in Mexico, is an over-the-counter drug.

Animal’s Daily Infotainment News

Before I get into this, go read the latest chapter of Barrett’s Privateers – Unrepentant Sinner over at Glibertarians.

Now then: Here in the wonderful world of the interwebz, you sometimes have to wade through a lot of crap to find the odd gem.  YouTube is not only not an exception to that but may be one of the worst offenders, especially where the comments sections are concerned.  But, as I said, there are the odd good channels, and one of them is run by an Army veteran who calls himself the Fat Electrician.  His tagline, “I Shout History,” is apt, and he has a talent for delivering rapid-fire history lessons and commentary.  Here are a couple of my favorite examples.

And now I have to head to town for an appointment, so… well, enjoy.

Animal’s Daily Bleached Cows News

Before I get into this, check out the latest chapter of License to Kill over at Glibertarians!

Now: I don’t know what to make of this, but apparently a feud between two Wyoming ranch families has led to cows having, among other things, penises bleached into their skins.  Yes, really.

Two criminal complaints filed last month in the Sundance Circuit Court allege that Patrick Sean Carroll, who is 66 this year, and his son Tucker Kye Carroll, who is 34 this year, funneled 189 heifers and six bulls into a chute and bleach-dyed them to get a neighbor’s attention after three years of having the cattle cross onto their land.

Some of the heifers had penis shapes bleached onto their bodies, according to an evidentiary affidavit written by Crook County Sheriff’s Deputy Alex Jessen.  

Here’s a bit of the history leading up to this:

Habeck has leased the ranch neighboring Carroll’s since 2014. But over the past three years, the number of cows that get through the fence onto Carroll’s property has increased to the point that hundreds cross over at any given time, Carroll said, according to the affidavit.  

Carroll grew frustrated. When he would call Habeck to let him know, Habeck would be “laid back like it’s not a big deal,” says the document.  

“It sometimes takes Philip (Habeck) a few days to move his cows back,” the affidavit relates from the interview.  

Thus, bleach penises.

I guess this is one of those cases where the penis mightier than the sword (hah) but this is a part of the country that has a history of people actually grabbing guns and shooting it out over rangeland, so maybe bleached penises – if a bit immature – aren’t all that unreasonable.

Good fences, as they say, make for good neighbors, and this is a case where the opposite is true.  Hopefully now that some public light is shining on this, the two families can solve this problem without gunplay.

Animal’s Hump Day News

Happy Hump Day!

The very first brain cells may have been in evidence as long as 800 million years ago.

Researchers from Spain and Germany have discovered characteristics of specialized secretory cells in simple animals called placozoans which could identify them as a prelude to neurons in other organisms.

Roughly the size of a grain of sand, these basic creatures have no organs, consisting of little more than a colony of different cell types. Much as they still do today, placozoans once hunted microbes and browsed algae in the warm shallows of seas 800 million years ago.

So 800 million years ago we have evidence of emerging brains.  Any guesses as to when we might see evidence of brains in Congress?

And so…

Continue reading Animal’s Hump Day News

Rule Five Man Test Friday

I’ve put this up a couple of times before, but it’s been a few years, and I’ve revised this a bit since then.  So, if you want to measure your own personal Toxic Masculinity, have at it!  Note:  This is intended to be humor, don’t take it too seriously.

You score one point for every item you can answer in the affirmative; your total score is, well, your total score. Grading is at the end. Feel free to post your results!

Personal Hygiene
1. I use soap in the shower. A bar of soap.
2. I do not use body washes.
3. I do not trim or pluck my eyebrows.
4. I do not get manicures.
5. I do not put any lotions, oils, balms or creams on my body unless there is some purpose either medicinal or sexual.
6. I have a “haircut,” not a “hair style.”
7. I can wash my hair with soap and a washcloth.
8. I do not wear cologne. Perfume is for girls. Aftershave is acceptable, as long as it’s Old Spice.
9. I can go from ‘asleep’ to ‘ready to leave for work/movie/date’ in under fifteen minutes.

Personal Style
10. I own a pair of cowboy boots or engineer boots.
11. I own more than one pair of cowboy boots and/or engineer boots.
12. I own a cowboy hat.
13. I own more than one cowboy hat.
14. I own more than one cap with a logo from either a car company, heavy equipment manufacturer, or an agricultural supplier.
15. I do not use an umbrella. If it rains, I have caps and hats.
16. I know the difference between a cap and a hat.
17. I own a leather jacket.
18. I own a black leather jacket.
19. I have scars.
20. I have scars that I brag about.
21. I have scars from gunshot wounds.
22. I carry a pocketknife.
23. I hang stuff on my belt.

24. I can drive a manual transmission.
25. I can drive a motorcycle.
26. I can drive a commercial truck.
27. I can operate almost any vehicle on two, four or more wheels, from a motorbike to a five-ton truck.
28. I can operate tracked machinery (i.e. Caterpillar.)
29. I can operate a light airplane.
30. I own a truck.
31. I own a four-wheel drive truck.
32. My truck has branch scrapes and rock chips. Lots of them.
33. I carry jumper cables in my truck.
34. I carry a high-lift jack in my truck.
35. I carry a tow strap in my truck.
36. I carry an axe in my truck.
37. I carry a gun in my truck.

38. I can navigate with map and compass.
39. I can navigate by orienteering.
40. I can run a chainsaw.
41. I can start a fire without match or lighter.
42. I am proficient with a pistol
43. I am proficient with a rifle.
44. I am proficient with a shotgun.
45. I can make improvised traps.
46. I can capture, kill, prepare and cook wildlife.
47. I can catch fish with purchased fishing tackle.
48. I can catch fish with fishing tackle improvised from materials obtained in the wild.
49. I can build an improvised shelter with materials obtained in the wild.

50. I do not see “chick” movies unless there is a chance that I might get sex afterwards by so doing.
51. John Wayne is, very nearly, a deity.
52. I love Westerns. Especially John Wayne Westerns.
53. I enjoy movies that feature:
• Hot vampire chicks in black leather.
• Hot any kind of chicks in black leather.
• Hot any kind of chicks.
• Killer androids.
• Killer aliens.
• Zombies.
• Hot vampire android alien zombie chicks in black leather.
54. Tom Cruise is the result of a Communist plot to demoralize America by subjecting us to crappy acting.

55. Vegetarian, my ass. Give me a steak.
56. The four major food groups are: Steak, pizza, beer and cheeseburgers.
57. Real men eat any damn thing they want.
58. I love bacon with near-religious passion.
59. All foods should be served with home fries and/or corn bread.
60. Everything’s better with Tabasco.

Total up the number of question you can honestly answer “yes.”
55+ – You’re a manly man in the manliest form.
50+ – Your testosterone level is normal, but you’re not blowing up anyone’s skirts.
< 50 – Oh, for crying out loud, cowboy up already.

I don’t make these rules. I’m just telling you what they are.

Notes on my own score:
Of course I scored 60/60, I wrote the test.
5. Trust me, you do not want to know.
14. Mine include Ford, CAT Diesel Power, J&W Meat Processing and Pioneer Seed.
21. Yes, I really do.
29. I have, but it’s been a long time. A looooonnnng time.

Animal’s Daily Toxic Skwerlz News

Were Squirrel

In Japan, in what can only be an event of great foreboding, squirrels have learned how to build up their resistance to toxic mushrooms.  Excerpt:

Kenji Suetsugu, an associate professor at in the Department of Biology at Kobe University, worked with photographer Koichi Gomi on the findings.

“I was genuinely surprised. I was afraid the squirrel might get an upset stomach,” Suetsugu told Newsweek. “But, the same individual squirrel returned a few days later to continue feeding on a panther cap mushroom, leading us to conclude that it is highly probable that these squirrels can safely consume poisonous mushrooms.”

The authors said their observations suggest there is a symbiotic relationship between the squirrels and toxic mushrooms. Not only do the squirrels likely benefit from eating the mushrooms, but they could be helping distribute mushroom spores too.

Suetsugu said the poison found in the mushrooms could still deter other animals who might not have what appears to be a mutually beneficial relationship.

It is thought that mushrooms such as the amanita are poisonous to dissuade animals from eating them.

At the present time, the symbiotic relationship between the squirrels and mushrooms is hypothetical, however. The research poses numerous questions warranting further study, the authors said.

How can squirrels survive eating toxins “deserves future study. As it stands, we cannot answer the question,” Suetsugu said.

Well, I’m pretty sure I can answer the question.

Skwerlz (the proper spelling for the global-domination cabal), you see, are bent on world domination.  Tree skwerlz have been around almost unchanged for twenty million years or so.  They are accustomed to being one of the most successful mammals on the planet, so they can only look at us with some frustration.  Now, they’re acting on that frustration.

Just look at the evidence:  They are attacking people, and at least one skwerl has joined forces with a human criminal to spread mayhem.   Now, it’s clear that they are building up immunity to toxic mushrooms, so they can spread them around the environment, increasing the odds of humans accidentally ingesting one.  I mean, it says right there, that the skwerlz are helping spread the mushroom spores.

Keep a clear eye, True Believers.  They may hit your neighborhood next.  It’s nuts.


Animal’s Daily Otteriffic News

Before we dive in to today’s ottery story, check out the first installment of a new fiction series over at Glibertarians! 

Now then:  You can’t beat this headline: Man Minding His Business Gets Mangled by a Gang of Angry Otters.  Excerpt:

Even so, as they say at zoos, anything with a mouth can bite.

Just ask Graham (George Spencer) — he found out the hard way.

Or, the herd way.

The 60-something got sacked by a roving gang of semiaquatic psychos.

From the Post:

[Graham]…was…approaching the visitors center when he spotted around 20 otters crossing a dimly-lit path in front of him. He claimed it was the first time he had seen the mustelids in the area despite taking his morning walks there for five months.

A jogger ran through the group, setting them off.

The otters went “crazy like dogs” and tried to rip into the runner.

When that individual escaped, the animals turned toward you-know-who.

No word on whether they had marshmallows, but the critters crunched into Graham like a cracker.

They attacked and attacked s’more.

The ornery otters reportedly hit him in the ankles, pushed him down and leaped on top of Spencer, then proceeded to bite the prone man around his legs, shoes and buttocks, with one nipping his finger, according to the media reports.

In ten seconds, he was bitten 26 times.

Salvation came after the victim’s friend, who was about “15 paces” away, ran up to him screaming and yelling in an attempt to scare the hairy hooligans away.

Graham hightailed it to the visitor’s center with the vicious weasel-like wackos in pursuit.

This is some funny stuff from a distance, and the article’s punning makes it more so.  But there’s a serious message behind the wacky verbiage:  Wild animals are, you know, wild.  Every year visitors to places like Yellowstone and, yes, here in the Great Land, learn this lesson to their sorrow.

Unfortunately we live in an era where most folks have their lessons on wildlife from Disney movies.  Most of the so-called “environmentalists” you see opining online and in the letters to the editors sections of the few remaining print papers are urban dwellers with no idea of what it’s really like to live out in the actual environment – other than maybe a one-week vacation spent in some expensive chalet with a view.

Jokes aside, Mr. Spencer here didn’t do anything wrong, and got bitten up anyway.  He was fortunate that these were otters and not a bear, but his encounter, while amusing on the surface, lends a lesson that should not be taken lightly:  Treat wildlife with respect and caution.

Animal’s Hump Day News

Happy Hump Day!

Welcome to our 350th Hump Day News!

I started this Wednesday tradition with nothing more than the mid-week application of suitably-themed and totally gratuitous Rule Five totty, then expanded it to a links post, very shortly thereafter adding the “This Week’s Idiots” section and the cultural edification at the end, until, well, here we are.  350 posts in – that’s almost seven years of Hump Day News. I think that Wednesday posts have now achieved their final form.  Hope you all like it.

And so…

On To the Links!

Meanwhile, in Russia…

Ford is making an all-electric F-150.  Fine, but it won’t work out too well out here.

Tucker nails it.

Lie down with dogs, wake up with fleas.

If you need a dose of horrifying, now we have sex-crazed zombie cicadas with disintegrating asses.

Tardigrades can survive an 1,825 mph impacts.  These are pretty amazing little critters.

Only government can coerce.

More than a third of California’s restaurants are never coming back.

The ‘Wuhan Lab Leak’ Theory Looks More Credible Than Ever.

FL’s DeSantis: Critical Race Theory Teaches Kids to Hate Their Country.  No shit, Sherlock.

Robert Gates Sees “Very Little Prospect” Of Peace Between Israel And Palestinians.  No shit, Sherlock, Part Deux.

Making nuclear power even safer.

Who didn’t see this coming?  Well, anyone with enough brains to pound sand saw it coming, which I think is the author’s point.

Empathy, compassion and tolerance!

Dokumenty, pozhaluysta!

Papiere, bitte!

“You’re not the right minority.”

This Week’s Idiots:

Chicago Mayor Beetlejuice is a racist cunte, and an idiot.  Seriously, put this shoe on the other foot – say, the white mayor of a major city granting one-on-one interviews only to white journalists.  The media would (rightly) be outraged.  That’s the difference between politics and principles.  Mayor Beetlejuice and the complicit Chicago media has the former, not the latter.

Vox‘s Emily Stewart is an idiot.

USAToday‘s Jill Lawrence is an idiot.

The Nation‘s Elie Mystal is an idiot.

Robert Reich is still an idiot.

The Guardian‘s Jonathan Freedland is an idiot.

George Will is an idiot.

CNN’s John Harwood is an idiot.

This Week’s Cultural Edification:

We’ll always have Lou Reed, right?  Imagine his 1972 tune Walk on the Wild Side being released today.  Here are the first two verses:

Holly came from Miami, F.L.A.
Hitch-hiked her way across the U.S.A.
Plucked her eyebrows on the way
Shaved her legs and then he was a she
She says, “Hey, babe,
Take a walk on the wild side.”
Said, “Hey, honey,
Take a walk on the wild side.”

Candy came from out on the Island
In the back room she was everybody’s darling
But she never lost her head
Even when she was giving head
She says, “Hey, babe,
Take a walk on the wild side.”
Said, “Hey, babe,
Take a walk on the wild side.”
And the colored girls go
“Doo do doo do doo do do doo…”

It would almost be worth it to hear the RHEEEEEE from the SJW crowd, wouldn’t it?  Here’s the entire song; enjoy.