Category Archives: Humor

Rule Five Man Test Friday

August 26, 2022 Animal Leave a comment

I’ve put this up a couple of times before, but it’s been a few years, and I’ve revised this a bit since then. So, if you want to measure your own personal Toxic Masculinity, have at it! Note: This is intended to be humor, don’t take it too seriously.

You score one point for every item you can answer in the affirmative; your total score is, well, your total score. Grading is at the end. Feel free to post your results!

Personal Hygiene
1. I use soap in the shower. A bar of soap.
2. I do not use body washes.
3. I do not trim or pluck my eyebrows.
4. I do not get manicures.
5. I do not put any lotions, oils, balms or creams on my body unless there is some purpose either medicinal or sexual.
6. I have a “haircut,” not a “hair style.”
7. I can wash my hair with soap and a washcloth.
8. I do not wear cologne. Perfume is for girls. Aftershave is acceptable, as long as it’s Old Spice.
9. I can go from ‘asleep’ to ‘ready to leave for work/movie/date’ in under fifteen minutes.

Personal Style
10. I own a pair of cowboy boots or engineer boots.
11. I own more than one pair of cowboy boots and/or engineer boots.
12. I own a cowboy hat.
13. I own more than one cowboy hat.
14. I own more than one cap with a logo from either a car company, heavy equipment manufacturer, or an agricultural supplier.
15. I do not use an umbrella. If it rains, I have caps and hats.
16. I know the difference between a cap and a hat.
17. I own a leather jacket.
18. I own a black leather jacket.
19. I have scars.
20. I have scars that I brag about.
21. I have scars from gunshot wounds.
22. I carry a pocketknife.
23. I hang stuff on my belt.

Driving
24. I can drive a manual transmission.
25. I can drive a motorcycle.
26. I can drive a commercial truck.
27. I can operate almost any vehicle on two, four or more wheels, from a motorbike to a five-ton truck.
28. I can operate tracked machinery (i.e. Caterpillar.)
29. I can operate a light airplane.
30. I own a truck.
31. I own a four-wheel drive truck.
32. My truck has branch scrapes and rock chips. Lots of them.
33. I carry jumper cables in my truck.
34. I carry a high-lift jack in my truck.
35. I carry a tow strap in my truck.
36. I carry an axe in my truck.
37. I carry a gun in my truck.

Outdoors
38. I can navigate with map and compass.
39. I can navigate by orienteering.
40. I can run a chainsaw.
41. I can start a fire without match or lighter.
42. I am proficient with a pistol
43. I am proficient with a rifle.
44. I am proficient with a shotgun.
45. I can make improvised traps.
46. I can capture, kill, prepare and cook wildlife.
47. I can catch fish with purchased fishing tackle.
48. I can catch fish with fishing tackle improvised from materials obtained in the wild.
49. I can build an improvised shelter with materials obtained in the wild.

Entertainment
50. I do not see “chick” movies unless there is a chance that I might get sex afterwards by so doing.
51. John Wayne is, very nearly, a deity.
52. I love Westerns. Especially John Wayne Westerns.
53. I enjoy movies that feature:
• Hot vampire chicks in black leather.
• Hot any kind of chicks in black leather.
• Hot any kind of chicks.
• Killer androids.
• Killer aliens.
• Zombies.
• Hot vampire android alien zombie chicks in black leather.
54. Tom Cruise is the result of a Communist plot to demoralize America by subjecting us to crappy acting.

Food
55. Vegetarian, my ass. Give me a steak.
56. The four major food groups are: Steak, pizza, beer and cheeseburgers.
57. Real men eat any damn thing they want.
58. I love bacon with near-religious passion.
59. All foods should be served with home fries and/or corn bread.
60. Everything’s better with Tabasco.

Scoring:
Total up the number of question you can honestly answer “yes.”
55+ – You’re a manly man in the manliest form.
50+ – Your testosterone level is normal, but you’re not blowing up anyone’s skirts.
< 50 – Oh, for crying out loud, cowboy up already.

I don’t make these rules. I’m just telling you what they are.

Notes on my own score:
Of course I scored 60/60, I wrote the test.
5. Trust me, you do not want to know.
14. Mine include Ford, CAT Diesel Power, J&W Meat Processing and Pioneer Seed.
21. Yes, I really do.
29. I have, but it’s been a long time. A looooonnnng time.

Humor, Science

Animal’s Daily Toxic Skwerlz News

February 10, 2022 Animal Leave a comment

In Japan, in what can only be an event of great foreboding, squirrels have learned how to build up their resistance to toxic mushrooms. Excerpt:

Kenji Suetsugu, an associate professor at in the Department of Biology at Kobe University, worked with photographer Koichi Gomi on the findings.

“I was genuinely surprised. I was afraid the squirrel might get an upset stomach,” Suetsugu told Newsweek. “But, the same individual squirrel returned a few days later to continue feeding on a panther cap mushroom, leading us to conclude that it is highly probable that these squirrels can safely consume poisonous mushrooms.”

The authors said their observations suggest there is a symbiotic relationship between the squirrels and toxic mushrooms. Not only do the squirrels likely benefit from eating the mushrooms, but they could be helping distribute mushroom spores too.

Suetsugu said the poison found in the mushrooms could still deter other animals who might not have what appears to be a mutually beneficial relationship.

It is thought that mushrooms such as the amanita are poisonous to dissuade animals from eating them.

At the present time, the symbiotic relationship between the squirrels and mushrooms is hypothetical, however. The research poses numerous questions warranting further study, the authors said.

How can squirrels survive eating toxins “deserves future study. As it stands, we cannot answer the question,” Suetsugu said.

Well, I’m pretty sure I can answer the question.

Skwerlz (the proper spelling for the global-domination cabal), you see, are bent on world domination. Tree skwerlz have been around almost unchanged for twenty million years or so. They are accustomed to being one of the most successful mammals on the planet, so they can only look at us with some frustration. Now, they’re acting on that frustration.

Just look at the evidence: They are attacking people, and at least one skwerl has joined forces with a human criminal to spread mayhem. Now, it’s clear that they are building up immunity to toxic mushrooms, so they can spread them around the environment, increasing the odds of humans accidentally ingesting one. I mean, it says right there, that the skwerlz are helping spread the mushroom spores.

Keep a clear eye, True Believers. They may hit your neighborhood next. It’s nuts.

Humor, Pet Peeves, Science

Animal’s Daily Otteriffic News

December 14, 2021 Animal Leave a comment

Before we dive in to today’s ottery story, check out the first installment of a new fiction series over at Glibertarians!

Now then: You can’t beat this headline: Man Minding His Business Gets Mangled by a Gang of Angry Otters. Excerpt:

Even so, as they say at zoos, anything with a mouth can bite.

Just ask Graham (George Spencer) — he found out the hard way.

Or, the herd way.

The 60-something got sacked by a roving gang of semiaquatic psychos.

From the Post:

[Graham]…was…approaching the visitors center when he spotted around 20 otters crossing a dimly-lit path in front of him. He claimed it was the first time he had seen the mustelids in the area despite taking his morning walks there for five months.

A jogger ran through the group, setting them off.

The otters went “crazy like dogs” and tried to rip into the runner.

When that individual escaped, the animals turned toward you-know-who.

No word on whether they had marshmallows, but the critters crunched into Graham like a cracker.

They attacked and attacked s’more.

The ornery otters reportedly hit him in the ankles, pushed him down and leaped on top of Spencer, then proceeded to bite the prone man around his legs, shoes and buttocks, with one nipping his finger, according to the media reports.

In ten seconds, he was bitten 26 times.

Salvation came after the victim’s friend, who was about “15 paces” away, ran up to him screaming and yelling in an attempt to scare the hairy hooligans away.

Graham hightailed it to the visitor’s center with the vicious weasel-like wackos in pursuit.

This is some funny stuff from a distance, and the article’s punning makes it more so. But there’s a serious message behind the wacky verbiage: Wild animals are, you know, wild. Every year visitors to places like Yellowstone and, yes, here in the Great Land, learn this lesson to their sorrow.

Unfortunately we live in an era where most folks have their lessons on wildlife from Disney movies. Most of the so-called “environmentalists” you see opining online and in the letters to the editors sections of the few remaining print papers are urban dwellers with no idea of what it’s really like to live out in the actual environment – other than maybe a one-week vacation spent in some expensive chalet with a view.

Jokes aside, Mr. Spencer here didn’t do anything wrong, and got bitten up anyway. He was fortunate that these were otters and not a bear, but his encounter, while amusing on the surface, lends a lesson that should not be taken lightly: Treat wildlife with respect and caution.

Humor, Links, Politics, Science

Animal’s Hump Day News

May 26, 2021 Animal Leave a comment

Welcome to our 350th Hump Day News!

I started this Wednesday tradition with nothing more than the mid-week application of suitably-themed and totally gratuitous Rule Five totty, then expanded it to a links post, very shortly thereafter adding the “This Week’s Idiots” section and the cultural edification at the end, until, well, here we are. 350 posts in – that’s almost seven years of Hump Day News. I think that Wednesday posts have now achieved their final form. Hope you all like it.

And so…

On To the Links!

Meanwhile, in Russia…

Ford is making an all-electric F-150. Fine, but it won’t work out too well out here.

Tucker nails it.

Lie down with dogs, wake up with fleas.

If you need a dose of horrifying, now we have sex-crazed zombie cicadas with disintegrating asses.

Tardigrades can survive an 1,825 mph impacts. These are pretty amazing little critters.

Only government can coerce.

More than a third of California’s restaurants are never coming back.

The ‘Wuhan Lab Leak’ Theory Looks More Credible Than Ever.

FL’s DeSantis: Critical Race Theory Teaches Kids to Hate Their Country. No shit, Sherlock.

Robert Gates Sees “Very Little Prospect” Of Peace Between Israel And Palestinians. No shit, Sherlock, Part Deux.

Making nuclear power even safer.

Who didn’t see this coming? Well, anyone with enough brains to pound sand saw it coming, which I think is the author’s point.

Empathy, compassion and tolerance!

Dokumenty, pozhaluysta!

Papiere, bitte!

“You’re not the right minority.”

This Week’s Idiots:

Chicago Mayor Beetlejuice is a racist cunte, and an idiot. Seriously, put this shoe on the other foot – say, the white mayor of a major city granting one-on-one interviews only to white journalists. The media would (rightly) be outraged. That’s the difference between politics and principles. Mayor Beetlejuice and the complicit Chicago media has the former, not the latter.

Vox‘s Emily Stewart is an idiot.

USAToday‘s Jill Lawrence is an idiot.

The Nation‘s Elie Mystal is an idiot.

Robert Reich is still an idiot.

The Guardian‘s Jonathan Freedland is an idiot.

George Will is an idiot.

CNN’s John Harwood is an idiot.

This Week’s Cultural Edification:

We’ll always have Lou Reed, right? Imagine his 1972 tune Walk on the Wild Side being released today. Here are the first two verses:

Holly came from Miami, F.L.A.
Hitch-hiked her way across the U.S.A.
Plucked her eyebrows on the way
Shaved her legs and then he was a she
She says, “Hey, babe,
Take a walk on the wild side.”
Said, “Hey, honey,
Take a walk on the wild side.”

Candy came from out on the Island
In the back room she was everybody’s darling
But she never lost her head
Even when she was giving head
She says, “Hey, babe,
Take a walk on the wild side.”
Said, “Hey, babe,
Take a walk on the wild side.”
And the colored girls go
“Doo do doo do doo do do doo…”

It would almost be worth it to hear the RHEEEEEE from the SJW crowd, wouldn’t it? Here’s the entire song; enjoy.

Economics, Humor, Links, News, Politics, Science

Animal’s Hump Day News

May 12, 2021 Animal Leave a comment

This second week of May is finally seeing off most of the winter’s accumulation of snow here in the Great Land. Robins have returned, the birches and alders are greening up, and every afternoon sees more and more of our yard exposed. In a few more weeks, wildflowers will be blooming.

Of course, that means spring clean-up. It’s a little more work this year than will probably be the case most years, as the previous owners left us some stuff that, due to the midwinter sale, they were unable to clean up, although due to that they have kindly offered to help. But suffice it to say the burn barrel will be seeing some extensive service the next couple of weekends.

The good news is that we’ll have ample firewood for the coming winter, as the unusually heavy snow last winter broke off a couple of trees on the back of the property, so with those, some alders taken down by the power company, and what was left from last winter, we’ll be well-stocked.

And so…