Animal’s Daily News

Smiling BearOK, I’ve had enough of electoral politics for a few days; the increasingly bizarre spectacle of The Donald v. Her Imperial Majesty Hillary I has worn out its welcome in these virtual pages – at least until the next leaked video or Wikileaks dump.  Instead, let’s look at the five best weapons for dealing with creepy clowns.  Excerpt:

Militant clowns are sweeping the nation at an alarming rate. What first appeared to be a huge, terrifying prank has turned into something much darker. The creatures that haunt our nightmares have been popping up on campuses across the nation, and we’re no longer standing for it. Earlier this week, fraternity men at TCU decided to brandish their irons and go out to find these menaces. Penn State and Oregon State have also gone hunting for these creatures in pancake makeup. While a golf club is a highly effective means of personal defense (shout out Tommy Vercetti), it’s not the only one. Here are some items you might have sprinkled around your residence in case of a clown emergency.

Those five are:

  1. Hatchets, Mauls, or Tomahawks
  2. Molotov Cocktails
  3. Pledge Paddles (Seriously?)
  4. Loose Stand Your Ground Laws
  5. Insane Clown Posse Music

The article’s a sarcastic joke, of course.  And it’s not even particularly good sarcasm; in fact, it’s pretty amateurish.  But look at the list for a moment, forget the clowns, forget the attempt at comedy; look at the two actual weapons mentioned.  “Hatchets, Mauls or Tomahawks” and “Molotov Cocktails.”  One would take a fair amount of skill and upper-body strength; the other would pose a pretty fair risk of taking out a bystander and/or causing serious property damage.

Seriously, True Believers.  Precision weaponry is the way to go in dealing with threatening clowns.  Here’s a better idea.

And remember – the most threatening of clowns don’t wear makeup.