Animal’s Daily News

Yes-YOU-bearObama in Cuba:  “I have come to bury the last remnant of the Cold War.”  Meanwhile, Vladimir Putin seeks to re-ignite that frosty conflict – but that’s a story for another day.  Excerpt:

Earlier today, President Obama told the approximately 1,500 people assembled in Havana’s el Gran Teatro, “I have come to bury the last remnant of the Cold War” and that his presence in the Cuban capital is meant “to extend the hand of friendship to the Cuban people.”

Obama began his address, aired on state-run Cuban television, by noting that he and President Raul Castro have many philosophical differences which they have “discussed at length.” He then spoke about both countries’ history of colonization by Europeans, saying “Cuba, like the United States, was built in part by slaves brought here from Africa” and that both countries “welcomed immigrants who came a great distance to start new lives in the Americas.”

After making some cursory references to shared cultural appreciation of things like music and baseball, Obama spoke about why he has asked Congress to lift the Cuban embargo, calling it “a burden on the Americans who want to work and do business or invest here in Cuba.”

Let me be perfectly clear (hah) about this – I am and always have been in favor of lifting the Cuban embargo.  There’s no better way to build friendly relations with someone than to do business with them.  At the very least, you’ll have to be cordial.  But were I wearing President Obama’s mom jeans in Cuba, I would have insisted on a private meeting with the brothers Castro, and cordiality be damned, I would have delivered a message along the lines of the following:

“Now, listen up, you tyrannical fucksticks.  Just because we’re lifting the embargo doesn’t mean we’re friends.  I’m not your friend, I’m not your buddy and I’m not your pal.  My purposes in lifting trade restrictions have one purpose and one purpose only:

We’re going to bury you.

We’re going to bury you in a mountain of Levi’s jeans and rock&roll.  We are not only going to allow that jackass Kanye West to play here, we’re going to encourage him to do so.  We may even let some actual music acts come here too.

We’re going to bury you in American tourists with big wads of fat American cash.  We’re going to bury you in iPads, Dell laptops and hacking software that will enable your citizens to get around any filter you can throw up on your pathetic little island’s intertoobs.  And when, inevitably, your people start soaking up all those fat American tourist dollars, we’re going to encourage them to come vacation in the U.S., so they can see the fat whopping lies you’ve been telling them about our nation and our way of life – and they will realize, irreversibly, what a shithole Cuba was under the rule of you two assholes.

Excellent BearAmerican culture and American dollars brought down the Soviet Union.  It will bring you two down as well.  Start making your escape plans now, assholes, because with a bit of luck you two petty tyrants will be allowed to flee instead of ending up like so many dictators before you – swinging from lampposts.

That’s all.  Have a great day, you two Commie slaver assholes.”

That’s just me.  But man, oh man, would it be satisfying.