Rule Five 2018 Inventions Friday

Every year seems to bring more new gadgets to make our lives easier and more convenient (hah!) and I’m sure 2018 will be no exception.  But while most folks will be thinking of new gadgets for commerce, for socializing, for… well, whatever, I have some ideas for new inventions that will make my life more fun – or at least, more tolerable.  Here they are:

  1. The Directed EMP Auto Sound Hush-O-Matic.  This will be a powerful directed EMP pulse generator intended for use when stopped at a traffic signal next to an obnoxious retard with a thumping, booming stereo.  Bear in mind that there is a natural law I discovered some years back, which has since been known as Animal’s First Law of Car Stereo Stupidity, which posits that the volume with which a driver blasts his car stereo is directly proportional to the crappiness of his preferred music.  The Hush-O-Matic is intended for just such a driver; the device will, when aimed and activated, immediately fry all of the electronics in said vehicle, rendering it into an inert hunk of scrap metal.
  2. Anti-Tag Electro-Paint.  “Urban Art” usually isn’t; some of it is barely acceptable as far as talent goes, but when it’s done (as it frequently is) on public or private property, it’s vandalism and a damned nuisance.  Some locales are deterring public urination by using paint designed to splash urine back at the urinator; the Electro-Paint will go one step beyond by sensing when any spray paint is applied to a surface and respond by sending a high-voltage charge back down the paint stream, stunning the vandal.  The charge is yet to be determined but should be sufficient to render said vandal into a gelid mass until law enforcement can arrive.
  3. Disabled Parking Abuser Auto-Flip.  My own dear Mrs. Animal is disabled, depending on a walker for full mobility.  Her parents are also disabled (blind) as is my mother (severe rheumatoid arthritis.)  So I’m something of a prick about abuse of handicapped parking spaces.  I’ve offered to turn a few smartass teenagers into grease stains over this issue, and was once delighted to see a van with a wheelchair lift scrape the hell out of the side of a car illegally parked in the cross-hatched space intended to provide room for such lifts.  The Auto-Flip will take the form of a hydraulic arm that may be extended from the underside of a vehicle, moved underneath the vehicle of a scofflaw, and used to flip the offender’s car over on its roof.
  4. Cellular Phone Blabber-Blocker.  Ever noticed how the advent of the cellular phone means that now we have to listen to everyone’s personal conversations in every public place?  Some time back the airlines were speculating about the possibility of providing cell phone service in-flight; I was horrified at the idea, since one of the few compensations in air travel is that at least I don’t have to listen to people blabbing all of their personal business.  The Blabber-Blocker will simply block all cellular phone signals within a certain radius, say, fifteen feet.
  5. The Left-Lane Vigilante Messenger.  Ever been stuck on a freeway behind some gomer tooling along at ten miles an hour under the speed limit in the left lane?  One that no amount of flashing headlights or gesturing will get to move right?  The Left-Lane Vigilante Messenger uses a powerful laser to etch the words “MOVE RIGHT, ASSHOLE” into the inside of the offending driver’s windshield.

Ideas are precious things.  It’s the duty of all intelligent people to use their intelligence to improve the lives of their fellow man; the inventions I have described above will surely do that.  Well, at least they’d improve my life.

So, what say you, True Believers?  Any suggestions?

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  • Andrew Pearce

    “Left lane Richards” are the bane of NJ highway driving. Nearly all of them are SUVs with PA tags. Everyone else knows the rules: slow lane = 10 over, middle lane = 15 over, fast lane = at least 20 over. If you can’t manage that, stay the heck out of the state. Or for gosh sakes, yield the right of way. Move over ya buttface. In NJ only the strong survive.

    • The main issue I have with New Jersey is the no-pumping-your-own-gas and the no-left-turn rules. What the hell?

      • Andrew Pearce

        Beats me about the gas, but NJ does the famous jughandle left, which gives them a reason to put in yet another stoplight. We do do right on red, mostly. The best part is that everyone speeds, everywhere. Except a 25mph zone, where they do 17. Go figure.

  • David Davies

    Seldom ever encountered a slow driver in the passing lane here in Texas. I have observed some speed obsessed yahoo in the slow lane flashing his lights at the car ahead of him, I guess to move off onto the shoulder?

    • I haven’t spent any time in Texas for a few years, but now that I think on it, I don’t remember as many left lane vigilantes. I wonder why?

      • David Davies

        Left lane is usually posted as the passing lane, so if you aren’t passing someone you should stay on the right. Incident I was thinking of was on a freeway with four lanes. And I had some old hag glare at me ferociously as she accelerated past me going down an exit ramp while I poked along in the slow lane. Guess she had a hot date with the traffic light at the bottom of the ramp.