Laws Of The Animalverse
These are fundamental laws, like the three laws of thermodynamics, or the speed of light and the rate of radioactive decay. Over the years I have identified these fundamental laws of the universe, which shall henceforth be known as Animalversal Laws, and I have put them forth here for the edification of all True Believers. More will be added as discovered.
- Animal’s Law of Inverse Bumper Sticker Intelligence: The number of bumper stickers on a car is directly related to the odds of the driver being a complete imbecile. More bumper stickers = greater odds of the driver being a drooling moron.
- Animal’s Law of Public Cellular Phone Stupidity: Stupid people talk on their cellular phones in public places at an average of over three times the decibel level of normal people. The stupider the phone user, the louder they talk.
- Animal’s Law of Supermarket Aisles: The likelihood of a person completely blocking a supermarket aisle for more than ten minutes is directly proportional to their weight.
- Animal’s Law of Campfires: The ideal spot for a camp chair will always be downwind from the campfire.
- Rat’s Corollary to Animal’s Law of Campfires: The availability of suitable places for a camp chair is directly related to the smokiness of the campfire. Smokier fire = fewer places to place a chair.
- Animal’s Law of Big Game: When hunting, you will see every imaginable species and sex of big game except the one you have a license to hunt.
- Animal’s Law of Fishing: The spot six feet down the bank from where you are located on a crowded river is always where the fish are biting.
- Animal’s Law of Rush Hour: The amount of time you have to reach a destination is inversely related to the number of red lights you will hit. Less time = more red lights.
- Animal’s Law of Public Restrooms I: The morning after a dinner of extremely hot Mexican food will be the same morning when the only available public restroom runs out of paper.
- Animal’s Law of Public Restrooms II: If the initial clause of Animal’s Law of Public Restrooms I does not apply, the last available stall in a public restroom will always be the one next to the person who had a dinner of extremely hot Mexican food the night before.
- Animal’s Law of Public Restrooms III: In the case of Animal’s Law of Public Restroom’s II, the person in the next stall’s disbelief in the necessity of courtesy flushes is directly proportional to the vileness of the excretions emitted.
- Whenever anyone sends you something that is announced to be a “must-read,” it’s going to be a piece of utter crap. Even more so if the MUST-READ is announced in all caps.