Every year seems to bring more new gadgets to make our lives easier and more convenient (hah!) and I’m sure 2018 will be no exception. But while most folks will be thinking of new gadgets for commerce, for socializing, for… well, whatever, I have some ideas for new inventions that will make my life more fun – or at least, more tolerable. Here they are:
- The Directed EMP Auto Sound Hush-O-Matic. This will be a powerful directed EMP pulse generator intended for use when stopped at a traffic signal next to an obnoxious retard with a thumping, booming stereo. Bear in mind that there is a natural law I discovered some years back, which has since been known as Animal’s First Law of Car Stereo Stupidity, which posits that the volume with which a driver blasts his car stereo is directly proportional to the crappiness of his preferred music. The Hush-O-Matic is intended for just such a driver; the device will, when aimed and activated, immediately fry all of the electronics in said vehicle, rendering it into an inert hunk of scrap metal.
- Anti-Tag Electro-Paint. “Urban Art” usually isn’t; some of it is barely acceptable as far as talent goes, but when it’s done (as it frequently is) on public or private property, it’s vandalism and a damned nuisance. Some locales are deterring public urination by using paint designed to splash urine back at the urinator; the Electro-Paint will go one step beyond by sensing when any spray paint is applied to a surface and respond by sending a high-voltage charge back down the paint stream, stunning the vandal. The charge is yet to be determined but should be sufficient to render said vandal into a gelid mass until law enforcement can arrive.
- Disabled Parking Abuser Auto-Flip. My own dear Mrs. Animal is disabled, depending on a walker for full mobility. Her parents are also disabled (blind) as is my mother (severe rheumatoid arthritis.) So I’m something of a prick about abuse of handicapped parking spaces. I’ve offered to turn a few smartass teenagers into grease stains over this issue, and was once delighted to see a van with a wheelchair lift scrape the hell out of the side of a car illegally parked in the cross-hatched space intended to provide room for such lifts. The Auto-Flip will take the form of a hydraulic arm that may be extended from the underside of a vehicle, moved underneath the vehicle of a scofflaw, and used to flip the offender’s car over on its roof.
- Cellular Phone Blabber-Blocker. Ever noticed how the advent of the cellular phone means that now we have to listen to everyone’s personal conversations in every public place? Some time back the airlines were speculating about the possibility of providing cell phone service in-flight; I was horrified at the idea, since one of the few compensations in air travel is that at least I don’t have to listen to people blabbing all of their personal business. The Blabber-Blocker will simply block all cellular phone signals within a certain radius, say, fifteen feet.
- The Left-Lane Vigilante Messenger. Ever been stuck on a freeway behind some gomer tooling along at ten miles an hour under the speed limit in the left lane? One that no amount of flashing headlights or gesturing will get to move right? The Left-Lane Vigilante Messenger uses a powerful laser to etch the words “MOVE RIGHT, ASSHOLE” into the inside of the offending driver’s windshield.
Ideas are precious things. It’s the duty of all intelligent people to use their intelligence to improve the lives of their fellow man; the inventions I have described above will surely do that. Well, at least they’d improve my life.
So, what say you, True Believers? Any suggestions?