Category Archives: Humor

Animal’s Daily News

Science!
Science!

First up, thanks once more to The Other McCain for the Rule Five links, and to The Daley Gator for the callout to our posts on the ISIS assholes.  Thanks guys!  Now, on to a Science Tuesday compendium.

Defecation Really Is Fascinating.  Not that fascinating.  Not even when…

No, never mind.  I’m not going there.

The World Could Be Nuclear-Powered by 2040.  As opposed to Kate Beckinsale, who I’m pretty sure is nuclear-powered now.

Kate Beckinsale
Nuclear Energy.

Am I right?  Or am I right?

In the Caribbean there is a rat the size of a cat.  OK, well, it’s really more of a guinea pig the size of a cat.  That’s a big rodent.

Why Do Men Even Exist?  Well, someone has to reach the stuff up on the highest shelves and open stubborn pickle jars.

OK, priorities:  Here’s a map of the most popular beers of the world.  Number one in the USA is…

…Bud Light?

Germany has at least four beers better than that:

And on that sudsy note, we return you to your Tuesday, already in progress.

Animal’s Daily News

laughing_bearThanks once again to The Other McCain for the Rule Five links!

Today’s dose of terminal stupidity comes from the University of California (where else?) where the student government has apparently voted to divest themselves – from America.

Jefferson Davis was unavailable for comment.  Excerpt:

The University of California Student Association board – which represents all 233,000 students enrolled in the UC system’s 10 campuses – approved a resolution on Sunday that calls on the system’s leaders to financially divest from the United States.

The measure cited alleged human rights violations by America such as drone strikes that have killed civilians, and claimed the country’s criminal justice system is racist, among other accusations.

The “Resolution Toward Socially Responsible Investment at the University of California” passed with an overwhelming majority vote of 11-1-3.

OK, then, students, have it your way.

JackassNo more Imperial subsidies for your school.  No more Imperial financial aid for students at UC; no Pell grants, no Imperially backed student loans, no nothing, no kidding.  Your tuition, which you will now have to all pay yourselves, will also have to cover not only building but road maintenance in and around  your campus – and security, since the local and State police will no longer answer calls to your campus.  I advise you buy some guns for your campus cops – except, this bunch of brain-dead twits probably won’t vote for that.

Oh, and by the way, you’ll need some sort of power plant, since your electricity and natural gas will be cut off.  And your postal service.

If these imbeciles are the future of our country – well, then, we’re hosed.

Goodbye, Blue Monday

Goodbye, Blue Monday
Goodbye, Blue Monday

Another Monday after another plane ride; another week ahead in the Arctic environs of the upper Midwest.  We could really use a little of that global warming right now.

This appeared yesterday from the inestimable Dave Barry:  Dave Barry’s Manliness Manifesto.  Excerpt:

But the point is, these pioneering men did not do “crunches.” These men crunched the damn continent—blazing trails, fording rivers, crossing mountain ranges, building log cabins, forging things with forges, etc. We modern men can’t do any of those things. We don’t have the vaguest idea how to ford a river. We’d check our phones to see if we had a fording app and, if not, we’d give up, go back home and work on our cores.

We American men have lost our national manhood, and I say it’s time we got it back. We need to learn to do the kinds of manly things our forefathers knew how to do. To get us started, I’ve created a list of some basic skills that every man should have, along with instructions. You may rest assured that these instructions are correct. I got them from the Internet.

This is a matter that has perplexed yr. obdt. for some time, in spite of personally having maintained a tight connection with the Manly Arts, and not just on the one week a year when loyal sidekick Rat and I head to the mountains to do battle with antlered ungulates.  A man should know how to do certain things:  Catch fish, operate heavy equipment, use a rifle, shotgun and handgun, start a fire without matches or lighter.  A man should be able to change a tire.  He should be able to jump start a car.  He should be able to drive a manual transmission vehicle.  He should now how to find his way in the woods without a GPS device.

Mr. Barry is right to decry the loss of manly skills, but there are still a lot of us out there who maintain them; Brad Paisley said it best:

Funnies

laughing_bearOnce in a while, we see a little good news:  Suicide Bomb Instructor Accidentally Detonates, Kills 21 Students in Iraq.  Heh heh heh.  Excerpt:

BAGHDAD (AP) — Insurgents accidentally set off their own car bomb Monday at a training camp in an orchard in a Sunni area north of Baghdad, leaving 21 dead and some two dozen arrested, Iraqi officials said.

…A police officer said the militants were attending a lesson on making car bombs and explosive belts when a glitch set off one of the devices.

Army slang for these gomers used to be “not-so-smart bombs.”  I guess these assholes were determined to live up to it.

One more; enjoy a Hardee’s/Carl’s Jr. ad that was deemed… inappropriate for broadcast.

I’m suddenly hungry.

Random Lawyer Joke

Smiling BearBecause who doesn’t love lawyer jokes?

A man, slightly under the influence, stands up in a bar and shouts, “All lawyers are assholes!”

Down the bar, another man slams his hand down on the bar and shouts back, “I resent that remark!”

The first man sneers, “Why, are you a lawyer?”

“No,” the second man replies, “I’m an asshole!”