Category Archives: Humor

Animal’s Hump Day Commentary News

Happy Hump Day!
Happy Hump Day!

The internet has changed all of our lives – at least those of us who are old enough to remember the pre-Internet world.  It has revolutionized business, socialization, culture and politics.

But there’s a dark side.

Ever read the comments on a blog post, a YouTube video, or a news story?  It can be disheartening.  But, dedicated observer of cultural phenomena that I am, I have taken it upon myself to visit such comments sections and compile a set of three rules, which shall henceforth be known as Animal’s Rules of Internet Commentary, and will now present them here for the edification of True Believers everywhere.

  1. The Facebook rule.  Facebook itself is bad enough; it has without a doubt the worst noise-to-signal ratio on the internet (and that’s really saying something) but it’s also easily ignored.  Not so when a blog or news site uses the Facebook commentary plugin.  The Facebook rule states that the use of the Facebook commenting plugin reduces the average IQ of commenters by 36%.
  2. The YouTube rule.  Bad as Facebook is, YouTube commenters are worse.  But there’s a bright side; there is no YouTube comment plugin.  But a few moments spent reading comments on any YouTube video upload – go ahead, choose one at random and see for yourself – and observe the stupidity for yourself.  But be careful:  The YouTube rule states that even reading YouTube comments can cause temporary or, in some cases, even permanent brain damage.
  3. The Left-Wing Site rule.  The reasons for this are the matter of some speculation, but the facts of it are well-documented;  left-leaning web sites are far less tolerant of dissent than right-leaning sites.  So much for the vaunted ‘tolerance’ of the Left; try posting dissenting opinions at HuffPo or Daily Kos, and see how long your posts/accounts last.  The Left-Wing Site rule states that you are 98.723% more likely to be banned for dissent from a left-leaning blog or site than from a right-leaning one.

Derp BearMany hours of study went into these observations, and a considerable amount of income went into the purchase of draft beers and Scotch to help erase the effects of reading Facebook posts and YouTube comments.

But that’s all right.  I did it for you, True Believers; I did it for you.

Animal’s Daily News

BearLaughing1As opposed to a single story, here is an assortment of various things today, mostly because I didn’t run across anything to get worked up about.  Let’s get started!

Duck!

Duck!

Goose!  (Yes, I had to do it.)

Which animals (not Animals) are mostly like to kill you?  The answer may surprise you.  (Hint:  It’s not wombats.)

Facepalm-bearThe Donald is running for President (yes, really) and claims he will be the “Greatest Jobs President God Ever Created.”  Uh huh.  It remains unconfirmed whether Trump will place his hair into nomination for Vice President.  Note:  I’ll write something on Trump’s candidacy when I can manage to stop facepalming so repeatedly that it sounds like a round of applause at the Royal Albert Hall.

Real bioengineered animal weapons.

What happens when an entire country is infested with demons?  More facepalming. happens.  But apparently, after the exorcism, the invisible, undetectable demons that nobody could see, hear or feel – are gone.  How?  Because.

Uh huh.

On a related note:  The Pope wants a global authority to manage the climate. He should stick to driving demons out of entire countries.  Or, maybe, you know, running the Catholic Church, which actually is his job.

To make up for all that, here is some gratis totty from the archives.

Domai_Katoa-5_Katoa_high_0039

Animal’s Daily News

Science!
Science!

First up, thanks once more to The Other McCain for the Rule Five links, and to The Daley Gator for the callout to our posts on the ISIS assholes.  Thanks guys!  Now, on to a Science Tuesday compendium.

Defecation Really Is Fascinating.  Not that fascinating.  Not even when…

No, never mind.  I’m not going there.

The World Could Be Nuclear-Powered by 2040.  As opposed to Kate Beckinsale, who I’m pretty sure is nuclear-powered now.

Kate Beckinsale
Nuclear Energy.

Am I right?  Or am I right?

In the Caribbean there is a rat the size of a cat.  OK, well, it’s really more of a guinea pig the size of a cat.  That’s a big rodent.

Why Do Men Even Exist?  Well, someone has to reach the stuff up on the highest shelves and open stubborn pickle jars.

OK, priorities:  Here’s a map of the most popular beers of the world.  Number one in the USA is…

…Bud Light?

Germany has at least four beers better than that:

And on that sudsy note, we return you to your Tuesday, already in progress.

Animal’s Daily News

laughing_bearThanks once again to The Other McCain for the Rule Five links!

Today’s dose of terminal stupidity comes from the University of California (where else?) where the student government has apparently voted to divest themselves – from America.

Jefferson Davis was unavailable for comment.  Excerpt:

The University of California Student Association board – which represents all 233,000 students enrolled in the UC system’s 10 campuses – approved a resolution on Sunday that calls on the system’s leaders to financially divest from the United States.

The measure cited alleged human rights violations by America such as drone strikes that have killed civilians, and claimed the country’s criminal justice system is racist, among other accusations.

The “Resolution Toward Socially Responsible Investment at the University of California” passed with an overwhelming majority vote of 11-1-3.

OK, then, students, have it your way.

JackassNo more Imperial subsidies for your school.  No more Imperial financial aid for students at UC; no Pell grants, no Imperially backed student loans, no nothing, no kidding.  Your tuition, which you will now have to all pay yourselves, will also have to cover not only building but road maintenance in and around  your campus – and security, since the local and State police will no longer answer calls to your campus.  I advise you buy some guns for your campus cops – except, this bunch of brain-dead twits probably won’t vote for that.

Oh, and by the way, you’ll need some sort of power plant, since your electricity and natural gas will be cut off.  And your postal service.

If these imbeciles are the future of our country – well, then, we’re hosed.