Category Archives: Humor

Animal’s Daily Young Commies News

National treasure PJ O’Rourke nails it again.  Excerpt:

What’s the matter with kids today? Nothing new. A large portion of the brats, the squirts, the fuzz-faced, the moon calves, the sap-green, and the wet behind the ears have always been “Punks for Progressives.”

As soon as children discover that the world isn’t nice, they want to make it nicer. And wouldn’t a world where everybody shares everything be nice? Aw … kids are so tender-hearted.

But kids are broke — so they want to make the world nicer with your money. And kids don’t have much control over things — so they want to make the world nicer through your effort. And kids are very busy being young — so it’s your time that has to be spent making the world nicer.

For them. The greedy little bastards. Kids were thinking these exact same sweet-young-thing thoughts back in the 1960s, during my salad days (tossed green sensimilla buds). Young people probably have been thinking these same thoughts since the concept of being a “young person” was invented.

That would have been in the 19th century — during America’s first “Progressive Era” — when mechanization liberated kids from onerous farm chores and child labor laws let them escape from child labor.

Example #3,495,393 of the “soft people make hard times” phase of societal development.  As I’ve stated before in these virtual pages, I think we are transitioning to this phase from the “good times make soft people” phase; events of the last summer make me think we’re on the downhill slope of that transition.

O’Rourke’s real gem, though, is this:

They’ve got it coming. Young people are not only penniless and powerless, they’re also ignorant as hell. They think of wealth as something that’s limited, like the number of Hostess Ding Dongs on the 7-Eleven shelf. They think rich people got to the 7-Eleven first and gobbled all the Ding Dongs, leaving poor people to lick the plastic wrappers.

Young people don’t know that more Ding Dongs can be produced. They don’t know how or why more Ding Dong production is possible. And they certainly don’t know how to get the cream filling inside.

(Leaving aside the wild indignation of young people about the very existence of synthetic industrial and undoubtedly poisonous food such as Ding Dongs. They eat them anyway. Watch them shop at the 7-Eleven when they think nobody’s looking. But I digress.)

Young people believe that the way to obtain more wealth is to take it away from rich people.

You can’t do it. Well, you can do it. But you can only do it once.

You can take the Ding Dongs from the Hostess factory for free, but once you’ve eaten them you can’t go back to the Hostess factory and take more Ding Dongs for free. The Hostess factory is out of business.

It would be difficult to explain economics (and the stupidity of socialism) any more clearly than this.

The rise of socialist “thought” (I use scare quotes here as I doubt any of the young people O’Rourke described are doing much, if any, actual thinking) speaks to the softness of our society, the failure of our education system, and the rather baffling shift away from understanding the value of liberty.

So how do we get these kids to start,  you know, thinking?

Animal’s Daily Backfiring News

Denver’s own Mike Rosen explains how far-left protestors harm their own causes.  Excerpt:

But activists who engage in unnecessary, theatrical, civil disobedience are oblivious to their public perception as unhinged extremists. They’re driven by a delusional, self-indulgent conviction that only they are right and any who oppose their agenda are unworthy, irrelevant and evil. They believe they’re doing, if not God’s work, at least Gaia’s ─ the Goddess of Mother Earth. For them, protesting is gratifying and fun. They feel like it empowers them. Getting arrested is a badge of honor and pride, which earns them another civil disobedience battle-ribbon to pin on their chest.

Diana Bray could be their poster girl. A champion of civil disobedience and a dogmatic “climate activist” who brags about her participation in an anti-Keystone Pipeline protest in Washington, where people locked themselves to the White House fence. She’s also a lesser figure in the crowd of Democrats seeking the party’s nomination to unseat Sen. Corey Gardner. Thirty-eight of the Capitol protestors were arrested and charged with trespassing, disrupting a lawful assembly and obstruction of police officers. True to form, the shamelessly liberal Denver Post showcased Bray, running her guest commentary under the headline: “Drop charges against Polis protestors who fought peacefully for change.” And they ran it twice, Jan. 16 and 19!

“Fighting peacefully” is an oxymoron. Resisting arrest isn’t a peaceful act. Yes, lawful demonstrations are a legitimate activity, protected by the Constitution. But civil disobedience isn’t protected when it’s uncivil and unlawful, like trespassing, infringing on the rights of others and resisting arrest. These protestors broke the law and ought to pay the consequences, like a steep fine or jail time, which they should eagerly do as martyrs for their cause, lending even more pride to their protest battle-ribbon. (Predictably, all they’ll get is a slap on the wrist.)

Here’s the thing; when your opponent is in the process of doing something stupid, let them.  Read the entire article, by all means; Mike is a treasure, and all of his columns are worth the read.

The types of protestors the esteemed Mr. Rosen describes – and let’s be honest, there are stupid, strident protestors across the spectrum, although of late the Left seems to have the lion’s share – do their own professed causes inestimable harm just by doing their thing.

I once toyed with the idea of starting a business offering protestors for hire.  I jokingly described to Mrs. Animal an imagined conversation with a media type doing a story on my service:

Interviewer:  “So, you offer protestors for hire.  For what causes?”

Me:  “Any causes.  I don’t care what the cause is.  As long as no laws are being broken or no incitement to violence, we’re good to go.”

I:  “Really?  You’ll provide protestors for anything?”

M:  “Sure.  Remember that big protest at the Capitol last Sunday?  People screaming at each other from across Civic Center Park?  Those were my people.”

I:  “Which people?”

M:  “All of them.  Both sides.”

I:  “Do you have any principles at all?”

M:  “In my business?  I have one – ‘did their check clear?’  Other than that, hell no.”

I’d probably never do it; there are too many causes I just couldn’t stomach.  But it would offer some great entertainment.

Animal’s Daily Scammer Payback News

First up:  Make sure to check out the latest of  the Allamakee County Chronicles over at Glibertarians!

Moving right along:  Denver’s former 800-pound gorilla of local talk radio, Mike Rosen, describes a detection and turn-about of a would-be scammer.  Excerpt:

To its credit, Craigslist posts a warning to its sellers to be wary of distant buyers responding to their ads who might pay with a counterfeit check that would initially clear the bank but will later be clawed back from the seller who deposited it when the fraud is discovered. Case in point, here’s my recent experience. After redecorating I had to part with an elegant bar and buffet featuring lighted glass shelves and doors to display glassware, china and accessories. So, I offered it on Craigslist at the bargain price of $295. Almost instantly, I got a text message from an enthusiastic buyer who wanted it at full price from the picture I posted. He gave his name as Peter A. Frederick and said he was an out of town construction consultant and needed it shipped to him. I wanted payment in cash and preferred a buyer who would pick it up himself. He persisted and proposed the following arrangement. He’d send me a certified check for $1,950.50. When I get it, I should deposit it in my bank and after the check clears, I should deduct $295 for the buffet plus an extra $50 for my “running around” and send the excess funds of $1,605 to his shipper. After the shipper gets my check, he’ll contact me with shipping instructions.

Doing the math: $1,950.50 – $295.00 – $50.00 – $1,605.00 = $0.50, I discovered there was an extra 50 cents left over for me! I was tempted, but realized it wouldn’t be ethical to cheat him out of that for his inadvertent math mistake. Just kidding. Of course, by now I was sure it was a scam. But I figured I’d play along out of curiosity. He already had my name and address, and a few days later I got his check.

Read the entire story; I enjoyed the post-script:

Now, here’s an ironic postscript. Since Peter/Paul the scammer had my name and text address, he must have added me to his sucker list as I also got this text during the process: “Hi Michael Rosen, I’m Aaron Scott from the crime investigative department. There is an urgent arrest warrant against you right now. We received an information about a recent fraudulent paycheck which you were investigated to be part of. You are being monitored and it’s very important that I do hear from you as soon as possible before we proceed further with our legal actions.”

My response: “There’s no such thing as the *$@&#! crime investigation department. You’re the one who should be investigated.”

My cell phone service is pretty good about identifying would-be scam callers.  Several times a week my phone will blip once and the screen will display “Scam Likely” or some such, and I’ll block the number.  I’ve gotten some that go through to voice mail, including a recent one that gave me the dire news that an IRS arrest warrant had been issued for me and that I should call a certain number to “clear things up.”  Blocked.  Some of the scammers have resorted to text messages, as they presumably don’t go through the same process – and, again, when I get them, blocked.

The thing that concerns me about these horse’s asses is the fact that some people must fall for this crap, or they wouldn’t keep doing it.  I’m of the belief that there comes a time where fools and their money deserve to be parted (Gwyneth Paltrow and her GOOP idiocy come to mind) but it’s really just too bad that these assholes still find marks, frequently among the very old and very young.

Fortunately my own family shows more savvy.  A couple of years before he passed, the Old Man got a phone call:

Caller:  “Grandpa?  This is your granddaughter.  I’m in trouble, I need help.”

Old Man:  “What’s your name?”

Caller:  “Don’t you recognize my voice, Grandpa?”

Old Man:  “No.  What’s your name?”

Caller:  “Uhm…”

At that point the Old Man hung up.

More folks should show as much sense as my Dad did.

 

Rule Five Schadenfreudalicious Friday

From Merriam-Webster:

Schadenfreude noun, often capitalized
scha·​den·​freu·​de | \ ˈshä-dᵊn-ˌfrȯi-də
\
Definition of schadenfreude

: enjoyment obtained from the troubles of others

And yes, True Believers, that’s what I’m feeling lately, due to the sudden troubles of our own favorite Congressional lackwit, Alexandria Occasional Cortex.  Excerpt:

  • Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and a top aide appear to control an outside PAC credited with being the central force behind her June 2018 primary victory.
  • One former Federal Election Commission member thinks there would be a “serious investigation” if a complaint were filed, noting that the probe could potentially result in civil penalties or even jail time for Ocasio-Cortez and her chief of staff.
  • A second former commissioner said there were possibly “multiple violations of federal campaign finance law.”
  • Justice Democrats ran campaigns for Ocasio-Cortez and 11 other Democrats, but the New York Democrat was the only one to win her general election.

Democratic Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and her chief of staff Saikat Chakrabarti obtained majority control of Justice Democrats PAC in December 2017, according to archived copies of the group’s website, and the two appear to retain their control of the group, according to corporate filings obtained by The Daily Caller News Foundation. If the Federal Election Commission (FEC) finds that the New York Democrat’s campaign operated in affiliation with the PAC, which had raised more than $1.8 million before her June 2018 primary, it would open them up to “massive reporting violations, probably at least some illegal contribution violations exceeding the lawful limits,” former FEC commissioner Brad Smith said.

Ocasio-Cortez never disclosed to the FEC that she and Chakrabarti, who served as her campaign chair, controlled the PAC while it was simultaneously supporting her primary campaign, and former FEC commissioners say the arrangement could lead to multiple campaign finance violations. The group backed 12 Democrats during the 2018 midterms, but Ocasio-Cortez was the only one of those to win her general election.

“If the facts as alleged are true, and a candidate had control over a PAC that was working to get that candidate elected, then that candidate is potentially in very big trouble and may have engaged in multiple violations of federal campaign finance law, including receiving excessive contributions,” former Republican FEC commissioner Hans von Spakovsky told The Daily Caller News Foundation.

Now, chuckle-inducing as that would be, I suspect Occasional Cortex won’t see any serious penalties for this.  For one thing, it’s pretty obvious the girl isn’t terribly swift, and the horrendous complexity of campaign-finance laws is almost certainly way over her head.  I suspect her campaign manager will end up taking the fall.

But this will spell the end of her political career.  If there is any fire at all behind all this smoke, then she has gone from being a damned nuisance to her fellow Democrats to an outright liability.

Will she be primaried?  That would be ironic, but it may not be necessary.  New York is due for redistricting; the Democrats running that machine could easily redistrict her back into another bartending gig, an occupation for which she is much better suited than her current position.

Her campaign manager, though.  This apparently isn’t his first rodeo, and he really ought to have known better.  One might concede that a 29-year old bartender might be ignorant of many of the complexities of running for and holding office, as evidence of which I might offer her performance to date.

Still.  Ignorance of the law, as they say, is no excuse.  It will be roundly interesting to see how this plays out.

Still – does anyone care to hazard a guess as to whether this gets Congress to look at our overly complicated campaign-finance system?  I’ll lay odds they don’t.  Losing only one of their own, and an annoying one at that, isn’t enough to start them down that road.

Goodbye, Blue Monday

Goodbye, Blue Monday!

Thanks once again to Pirate’s Cove and The Other McCain for the Rule Five links – and be sure to read Part 5 of my revolver history over at Glibertarians.

Meanwhile, in Ireland, some nut decided to self-treat his back pain by injecting his own semen intravenously.  Yes, really.  Excerpts, with my comments:

In a new case study, Irish doctors report the baffling case of a 33-year-old man who injected his own semen intravenously for a year and a half, a self-developed “cure” intended to treat his chronic back pain. It does not appear to have worked.

No shit.

After reportedly injecting semen into his arm every month for 18 months, the man finally sought medical attention—but not for his arm. The patient instead complained of “severe, sudden onset lower pack pain,” having lifted a “heavy steel object” three days beforehand. During his checkup, the doctor found a patch of red swelling on his right forearm, after which the man admitted he’d been injecting himself with his own semen using a hypodermic needle he purchased online.

So, in what insane universe does this seem like a good idea?  Is there some weird cult, subculture or pseudo-scientific quackery that advocates injecting semen to deal with chronic pain?  In what way does this Irish moron think this is going to deal with what sounds like a pinched nerve, a pulled muscle or at worst maybe some minor damage to his spine?

This time around, he had injected three “doses” of semen, entering both his blood vessels and his muscles.

If he was shooting for intravenous and hit intramuscular, then that’s an added data point proving that he had no idea what the fuck he was doing.

While some might be tempted to speculate on his methods of obtaining and handling his own spooge prior to injection, I have to demur; that part of the process really doesn’t bear too much thinking about.  But I doubt concern over aseptic technique was one of the considerations, especially since he apparently repeatedly used a needle “he bought online.”

Apparently Spoogy McDipshit is going to survive this experience.  I suppose that’s a good thing, objectively, even though his history of decision making may well put him in candidacy for a Darwin Award at some point in the future.

Animal’s Daily Gun Buy-Back Shenanigans News

Guns Not for Sale.

This elicited a chuckle:  Man Sells Junk Guns to Buy-Back Program, Buys New Gun With Cash.  Excerpt:

Nine times out of 10, those selling us their guns are law-abiding citizens getting rid of broken or unused weapons.

It’s entrepreneurship at its finest. So for that, I need to give some serious props to state leaders. While they failed at the whole “gun handover” thing, they sure succeeded at giving people a side hustle.

Like this guy, for example.

A Missouri man sold his firearms made out of scrap metal and garbage to a gun buy-back program… and then used the money to buy a real gun.

We call that man a “patriot”.

YouTuber Royal Nonesuch made a quick $300 by taking 3 firearms that he’d built out of scrap and selling them back to the state of Missouri. He described two of the pipe guns as the ‘crappiest guns I’ve ever made’ but was still able to successfully sell them off to the program.

First off; yes, gun buy-backs are stupid.  What’s more, they’re a waste of taxpayer money.  Even more than that, the “no-questions-asked” models of most buy-backs allow criminals to safely dispose of weapons that may well be linked to a crime, and get some cash or prizes into the bargain.

And riddle me this:  How the hell can a city “buy back” something that never belonged to the city in the first place?

The last gun “buy-back” done in Denver was in 2008, and netted a grand total of fifteen guns; at least that one was done by a church, and not by the city at taxpayer expense.  But if they ever do another, I expect I’ll have to find some time to drag loyal sidekick Rat out of his lodgings to head to a scrap yard.  I’m fairly certain we can bang together a few zip-gun style gizmos to sell, and I’ve been toying with the idea of trying out one of the Ruger Gunsite Scout rifles…

…Opportunities are where we find them.  Right?

Animal’s Daily Russian Malware News

Now, I have to admit, this is funny; a porn-watching Imperial employee has infected Imperial computers with Russian malware.  Collusion?  Maybe!  Excerpt:

An Interior Department watchdog recommended the U.S. Geological Survey ratchet up internet security protocols after discovering its networks had been infected with malware from pornography sites.

The agency’s inspector general traced the malicious software to a single unnamed USGS employee, who reportedly used a government-issued computer to visit some 9,000 adult video sites, according to a report published Oct. 17.

Many of the prohibited pages were linked to Russian websites containing malware, which was ultimately downloaded to the employee’s computer and used to infiltrate USGS networks, auditors found. The investigation found the employee saved much of the pornographic material on an unauthorized USB drive and personal Android cellphone, both of which were connected to their computer against agency protocols.

The employee’s cell phone was also infected with malware.

“Our digital forensic examination revealed that [the employee] had an extensive history of visiting adult pornography websites” that hosted malware, the IG wrote. “The malware was downloaded to [the employee’s] government laptop, which then exploited the USGS’ network.”

First of all, I hope the dumbass Imperial employee has been fired – but given how difficult it can be to get rid of the worst of that sort, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if the dipshit porn-watcher is on “paid leave” or some other such crap.

But here’s the real concern I have with this:  If these people have enough time on their hands to be surfing porn sites at work, what the hell are we paying them for?  Most of my typical workdays when I’m on-site, on a project, I don’t have time to sneeze, much less spend some time watching the online shenanigans of porn stars.

I’ve often said that if I were ever appointed as, say, Director of Veteran’s Affairs, the first thing I would do would be to visit every Imperial facility for which I was responsible, and ask every employee of said facility two questions:

  1. What is your purpose here?
  2. What are you doing right now?

Any employee who can not satisfactorily answer both of those questions would be dismissed on the spot.

It’s a fantasy, I know.  But it’s a fun one.  And it would sure cut down on the featherbedding in Imperial staffing.

Animal’s Daily Screwball News

In my tenure producing these virtual pages, I’ve often (and, I think, justifiably) referred to Senator Sanders as the loony old socialist from Vermont.  And his protege from New York City, Ms. Ocasio-Cortez, can also be presumed to be a bit daffy, at least on economic matters.

But there’s a difference between loony and absolutely, barking batshit nuts.  This guy is the latter.  Excerpt:

A Green Party candidate for Congress in Ohio’s nail-biter contest who won nearly enough votes to throw the race into an automatic recount – gave a speech-slurred interview this year in which he couldn’t remember his own website address.

Joe Manchik also says he’s descended from aliens and hails from the town of Hell, Michigan.

In Tuesday’s closely watched special election, 1,127 Ohioans chose him over Republican Troy Balderson and Democrat Danny O’Connor.

Balderson’s apparent margin of victory was just 1,754 votes. Presuming Manchik’s base would otherwise have been O’Connor supporters, the result without him would have been a hair’s-width away from triggering an automatic recount.

And:

The native of Hell, Michigan says he traces his lineage back to a more far-off place.

‘My distant relatives originally came to planet Earth from a planet orbiting a star in the Pleiades star cluster located in the constellation of Taurus,’ Manchick writes, boasting that he was ‘voted “Class Musician” by my High School graduating class.’

He did not respond to a message left Wednesday at his personal phone number, which he posted on Facebook.

Wow.  Wow.

I suppose the GOP should be happy to take their spoilers where they find them; Pols are hardly the most stable folks in general, after all, a certain level of narcissism seems to be a minimum requirement.  But the candidates in both parties should be pretty embarrassed to have lost even a single vote to this nutbar.

Maybe, though, there’s a little campaign strategy possible here.  Finding candidates crazy enough to stand out like this guy does is a challenge, sure, especially given the amount of crazy to be found in both major parties.  But think about it – obviously, at least in swing-state Ohio, there are enough bugnuts voters to make this guy a spoiler.

Worth a try?